Visitor Comments:

(Submitted by in lieu of reed)

Holy apono bulb, if you need hair access, then why the barette?

(Submitted by mellow yellow)

that must be one humming barrette for .97 cents. whats the deal, are the dirty ones cheaper?

(Submitted by WalFixture)

$7.86 and you used your Visa??? Man, you're priceless! Me thinks this does not bode well for timely additional purchases. And shouldn't it be HAIRS ACCESS or do you have to use them individually?

(Submitted by mellow yellow)

hair accessory, i guess. what is that, like a cornrow in a box?

(Submitted by Sapphire)

How does that 409 spray work for keeping your hair nicely styled? Barrettes, hair accessories, 409, maybe Derek has a big date for Saturday night.

(Submitted by Chiquita)

Me thinks Derek has some formal occasion to attend & his hair has to look real nice. Derek, I'll think you'll look just smashing in that barrette. But I'm wondering, have you not had access to your hair up until now? Oh, and in case you didn't know, you purchased 4 items.

(Submitted by checko)

should switch to discover you get money back ya know.

(Submitted by Dalliance (back to her senses))

Hi everyone!! It's me. Hey Chiqie-Baby, MY, Wal*Fix, lieu, all you other lovely posters..I've missed you all. The oddest thing happened to me. A big, huge *geography* book fell on my head while I was *apparently* in the library (I have *NO* idea how I got there!!!(I was in the Gulf of Mexico salt-mapping section of all places) Well, anyway, I'm fine now and they say there won't even be much of a scar!!! Nothing clever hair accessories can't hide anyway!! OMG, and look!!! KISMET!!! Derek bought a barrette!! and Hair access!! Oh, that sly fox, he must have heard and bought a ticket to see the small gash hidden under my tresses!! But why two I wonder...*giggling and blushing* Nevermind, I think I figured it out.

(Submitted by Dalliance ~groggy~)

Chiquita...are you like a one of those Rainman people? How did you figure out he bought 4 items so fast?

(Submitted by Dalliance )

Maybe the Broadway Production of "Hair" has made it to Fargo. I feel silly now, thinking Derek would want to see my scalp wound. "Vanity, thy name is Dalliance" And of course the 409 is to shine his shoes. I do that all the time before I go out on the town. And the barrette, I'm pretty sure is one of those mini bars for the gentleman on the go. My brother has one. It all makes sense now. Derek is on the prowl and I'm sitting home with a head wound from a suicidal geographical tome. Isn't that just ALWAYS. the way it works?

(Submitted by Chiquita)

Dal-baby, so glad to have you back. Yes, I am of above- average intelligence... not just anyone would be able to read the secretly encrypted coding on this receipt that indicates the number of items purchased. I could tell you how to de-code the code, but then I'd have to kill you; and then Derek would probably be mad that his true love was gone. Hope Derek remembers to put some spit on that cowlick before clipping the barrette on.

(Submitted by Wal*Tart)

Chiqua, you rock.

(Submitted by Randy)

OMG... 2 receipts in three days? We should maybe throw a party. How does one access hair anyway? And Dalliance, you look MAHVELOUS Dahlink ciao

(Submitted by infinityXinfinity)

Prediction: next receipt will have 5 items. Previous to this current receipt there were 3 items. This receipt has 4 items. You're not dealing with chimpanzees here! There are only 3 seats left on the mother ship. Two of them are aisles. Order your special meals ahead of time - PullEase!

(Submitted by LanZEN_PKAT151)

* HAPPY CANADA DAY * * HAPPY CANADA DAY * * HAPPY CANADA DAY * * HAPPY CANADA DAY * * HAPPY CANADA DAY * * HAPPY CANADA DAY * * HAPPY CANADA DAY * * HAPPY CANADA DAY * * HAPPY CANADA DAY * * HAPPY CANADA DAY * * HAPPY CANADA DAY * * HAPPY CANADA DAY *

(Submitted by Dalliance)

oh Randy, you rogue *giggling and re-ajusting head dress*

(Submitted by Dalliance)

Hey, I was just thinking, regarding all these colored heads and hair accessing stuff...has anyone else wondered why Derek has a person with a "Frost and Tip" cap on his personal webpage or am I the only one? (which often happens). iXi, wow, you are pretty darn clever (not quite in Chiquita's league, but close).

(Submitted by Gabrielle)

No need to embarass myself this time around, no siree, it's obvious to anyone here that Derek is dressing his little girl's hair up pretty for the big Fourth of July holiday! Some nice ribbons and a barrette for her pretty hair. And he was out of 409, needs to do some cleaning. There. I've redeemed myself. 4 items purchased (I, too, have cracked the code!). Derek, will you love me now???? Will you appreciate my logical, deductive reasoning abilities and love me for who I really am?

(Submitted by Gabrielle)

Dalliance, a "frost and tip cap"????? I must have missed that one!

(Submitted by not Emo)

I have over 100 cheap plastic barrettes. They wash up on the beaches here during the summer. I pick them up and take them home. Keep 'em in a big ziploc bag...Why? Dono. Actually, I only keep the ones that are intact and have the hinged backs still attached. The little plastic latch tab that holds the barrette closed is broken off on quite a few of them. The ones with the missing latch tabs get hot glued shut before I put them in my bag. ...and why am I sharing this with you?

(Submitted by not Emo)

O.K. I just counted them. There are 285. Guess I've been busier than I thought. ............................. http://www.concentric.net/~stirfry/Barrette.jpg

(Submitted by WalFixture)

Is that really you, not elmo? Nice to have you back, as well as the real Dal. Howdys to Chiquita and all the rest too. Interesting bag story, not elmo... Could the missing latch tab have anything to do with the fact they were lost in the first place? Is there a second bag that you keep washed up latch tabs in too? Now you're not suggesting that barrettes are migratory, are you? Please tell me more cuz I'm starting to feel better about my used- gum-from-urinals-around-the- world collection.

(Submitted by in lieu of reed)

Sorry to hear of your unfortunate accident Dal. Me thinks you'd enjoy having a salt mapper fall on, err, for you much more. A Lot more. Glad you're back to lend some more spice to our conversations. Oh yeah, nice poems too. Is there anything you su, err again, anything you're not good at???

(Submitted by mellow yellow)

Ha, tickets to the play Hair. Wonder who he's taking? Let's see... someone who likes things clean and that he needs extra energy for...hmmm. Maybe it's Richard Simmons.

(Submitted by Andre)

Is 409 that stinky 70s cologne that big bosomed boob-tubed girlies used to squirt on their stinky bits whilst slipping off their rainbow-coloured pantyhose?

(Submitted by Botulism roolz)

Dalliance, are you absolutely serious in confessing that Derek only has a *shock horror* mini bar?

(Submitted by I am not an animal)

Forgive me if I'm wrong, but I believe that this is the first time Derek's done terminal 6. Perhaps this explains the lashing out on hair care products with strange new UPCs. Goddamn it gets my racing lizard green when I see a UPC I just can't correlate.

(Submitted by Andre)

Oh dear. Oh dear. I've just been to the home page and seen EVERYTHING for the first time. Oh dear. Oh dear oh dear oh dear.

(Submitted by Andre)

Just a couple of things...I won't keep you long, I just have to duck out and get a copy of the Mary Tyler Moore Show while I've come over all 409, if you know what I mean ...I miss that woman in the ad at the top of the screen with the blonde hair that looked like Princess Diana and whose mouth moved mechanically like she was giving head to Prince Charles' orb-tipped sceptre...did anyone notice that the Black, you know, the Black Space, disappeared on 18 June? Is this something to do with the mother ship's return?....and HOW THE HELL DID ALL YOU FRIKN BASTARDS GET TO POST BEFORE ME ANYWAY????? And I didn't even get a chance to slip one in on 29 June. *sulk* *rosy glow as Mary's denim skirt rides up her butt crack while Rhoda fluffs up her m

(Submitted by Andre)

uff

(Submitted by Andre)

Sorry, the thought of Wal*Fixture's raisinettes while Mary was bending down to pluck her pom pom just took my mind away from what my hand was doing.

(Submitted by Andre)

And in case Lexic0n and infinityXinfinity are wondering, I think the barcode (which has only recently appeared, to the complete and utter SILENCE of all you goons, misfits and nasal hair pluckers) is the mark of the beast 666 and the return of the one whom Derek is unfit to polish the pompom of and the 9 riders of the apocalypse and the hdj jewboy international conspiracy in league with Opus Dei and the alien abduction of the pyramids.

(Submitted by Noosha Fox)

Andre, ain't it a shame you missed the last train.

(Submitted by melon)

you know what i like to do with spary thingis? i like to think im piloting the apollo space craft. i stand in the bathroom, and spray in all directions, like its the jets whice direct the ship, than i hover over to the toilt, and land. "the eagle has landed!". fun fun fun...

(Submitted by Dalliance)

lieu, tis *very* true. not Emo!!!!! where have you been?? I've missed you terribly...oh went to the url and WOWIE! that is some fine collection. Seriously, there are installation artists who get prizes for stuff like that. Andre, why do you say, oh dear, oh dear about Derek's homepage..was there something I missed?? Botulism, the mini-bar is for that on-the-go action...but in truth, I've never been privy to Derek's bar (mini or maxi) so I wouldn't know. melon, I want to spend the day in your brain, that would be so cool. Wal*Fix, I for one, would love to see your collection! How about a pic or two!!!

(Submitted by mellow yellow)

melon, sounds like you're the one that could use the 409 (others might argue for a 410 ga instead). and andre, how about a shiny new barrette or three to assist you in your next bush trimming session? do you ever mix business with pleasure, cuz me thinks you'd make a hell of a topiary landscaper, although the thought of your subject matter really scares the beejesus outta me... anybody for a giant badger in their front 40? and i'm curious; is a european swallow a noun or an action verb?

(Submitted by Dally-ance)

Oh, I forgot to ask..melon, how's God? Are you two still fighting or did you kiss and make-up? Does God like to sail? I wish that I had duck feets.

(Submitted by WalFix)

better yet dal, have you got a 32 mm projector? want one? *thinking freud would damn sure have a field day here* anything for you, my sweets because the mere thought of you is always a kodak moment. hey, has anyone seen lieu or is he still down there looking up from dal's shoes *still smiling contentedly*? somebody better call his boss because he's going to be really, really, really late.

(Submitted by mellow yellow)

okay, that's it, andre made me think about lou grant nekkid and now i've gotta go (h)url.

(Submitted by Dalliance)

*bending down to talk to lieu, waving cheerfully* hey lieulieu, excuse me but do you know why Derek has that "Frost and Tip" cap on his homepage? WalFix..wow..yes, I'd LOVE a 32mm projector *jumping up and down with glee* Oh, sorry lieu.

(Submitted by in lieu of reed)

Rhoda was bitchin. Think she'd like a pony?

(Submitted by in lieu of reed *smiling even more blissfully now*)

mever mew mind, mal. i think "frost and tip" is made by the trojan company and makes for good company. want so pizza???

(Submitted by Not WalFix)

My mum had to buy 409 all the time when I was a child. Other kids would give me a wedgie until I'd fork over my lunch money and it was the only way we could get it out. Usually had to work it in with a brush or some kind of a hair accessory before hand. She'd then hang them on the clothes line with barrettes to air out. The really bad ones we'd throw into our empty rural missle silo for the biological warfare scientists to use later. Oh well, I digress. Gee, I just can't figure out what Derek's been up to ta need these items.

(Submitted by melon)

i think its importent to say, my GOd is not your god. my god is the Big assassin monkey, god of pain and bannanas. peace out to you all. people.

(Submitted by mellow yellow)

My cologne is Avon Race car.

(Submitted by Reverend Joel)

It is great seeing all the stuff Derek buys at Wal-Mart but I just can't help wondering what Matt Krieg's life like? Manager of Wal-Mart. Did he work his way to the top over the years or does he just know people in high places. High Wal-Mart places! If I were Matt Krieg I would turn to my assitant manager and say, "I run this place! You do what I say! I'm Matt Freekin Krieg! Bow before me! Dance, my puppet!" Yeah. That is what I would do ... if I were Matt Krieg.

(Submitted by Chiqutia)

Andre, if I could just jump back several posts, I have to ask... what kind of scary-ass women were you hanging around with in the 70's??????

(Submitted by Duck_man)

Do you have a Wal-Mart Visa?

(Submitted by in lieu of weed)

I'll jump back with you, Chiquita. Some very nice girl/woman/lady a couple of receipts ago said she thought the posts were too funny and that someone ought to write them down. Uhhhh.....ummmmm.....am I just a walking brain-fart or isn't that what we're doing? Can I respectfully quote the ever eloquent Dumass when he said "huh?"

(Submitted by in lieu of reed, respectfully, of course)

There once was a girl named Chiquita, As cool as a frozen Margarita, Seems as melon spoke of God, She responded with a nod, But was really thinking of St. Peter.

(Submitted by WalFix)

God tried sailing once but he prefers to walk...

(Submitted by Julius Caesar)

veni, vidi, visa

(Submitted by Dalliance)

Reverend Joel, where is your church located, I'd like to try out for the choir, I mean as long as your God isn't a Big Monkey Assassin of Pain and Bananas because that sounds mighty scary and I get nightmares sometimes. Do you think Jesus ever highlighted his hair? He had really nice hair. p.s. I can dance too.

(Submitted by matt)

how many visa cards does this guy have???

(Submitted by matt)

how many visa cards does this guy have???

(Submitted by hmmm)

he's obviously getting the hair out of the eyes of the color heads he bought on 6/29.

(Submitted by Miss Ma'am)

7/2/00 8:45 pm Give me down to there.. hair Shoulder length or longer Here baby, there mama Everywhere daddy daddy Hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair Flow it, show it Long as God can grow it My hairrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. *sigh* Where did the Cowsills go, anyway?

(Submitted by Dalliance)

*clapping* why that was lovely Miss Ma'am!! You know I'm a born and bred Southern girl myself...I imagine you somewhere down there..say in New Orleans or maybe Savannah. Down there where the Spanish moss hangs like hair from a bearded disciple who has broken his vow.

(Submitted by Dalliance (Homesick))

*Handing you a big ol' barrette*

(Submitted by Dal (still homesick))

Dang that should read..."the Spanish moss hangs like hair from a bearded disciple whose vow has been broken"...I misquoted myself.

(Submitted by not Emo)

I'm not from the South but had some good times down there. Oh to be back in Lousiana. Shoot'n out street lights on the bridge across lake punch-a-train!

(Submitted by Chiquita)

not Emo, I took a peek at your barrette picture & I must admit it's quite impressive. I should dare to say that if Derek buys half as many barrettes as he has Dri-Bottoms, he will someday have a barrette collection as fine and snazzy as yours.

(Submitted by Chiquita)

Oh, and lieu, thanks so much for the limerick. It's such an honor, honestly, I've never been the subject of a limerick before. *blushing & giggling girlishly* And how did you know I love Margaritas? Derek, could you be a love and pick me up some Margartia mix on your next trip?

(Submitted by Skycloud)

In response to WalFixture and many others with the same old comments about Derek's form of payment: maybe he is using a Visa check card and not a regular credit card-can't you think of anything else to comment?

(Submitted by Reverend Joel)

Oh, Dalliance, the church is where ever you are standing. You want to be in the choir? Well open your mouth and start singing! Maybe we will hold a revival in Wal-Mart. And I don't know if Jesus even had hair. I always pictured him as a bald man. But records from that era are spotty at best.

(Submitted by WalBitchSlap)

Hi SkyCummulo- nitwit............. Maybe someday, with the help of a friggin' Cray, I'll decipher the humor in your comment. Until then, take your vomit, You PMS comet, and go bore elsewhere til you decay.

(Submitted by Gabrielle)

Very impressive barrette collection, not Emo!! It's my understanding that barrettes are indeed migratory creatures and this time of year they should be beaching themselves rather wildly on the Jersey shores. In the winter months they make their way to the sunny Caribbean, liking to bask upon the white sand beaches of Aruba.

(Submitted by what the alfalfa?)

Skycloud, you atmospheric airhead, I can see your moose- mail address and by the powers vested in me by Mordred of Matanuska, ya better not be posting from the Great Land because if'n ya are, I'm gonna instruct Boy Scout Troop # 68 (of Palmher, (something you're undoubtably familiar with) to violate your Aurora Bore-Me- Alice until the marmots come home. Say hello to Ellen Degeneres for me.

(Submitted by Andre)

All I can say is that I'm very very suspicious of Derek now, having seen the home page and having considered long and hard, I mean, loooooong and hard, I mean, in case you missed it, LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG AND HARD (what a minx is Mary), that is, having considered long and hard Derek's statement back on 18 June that he had no money to go to WalMart, why didn't he use the Visa card that only today is earning so much interest? Hmmm? Is Derek hiding something from us? Is there some sort of conspiracy afoot? Does that barcode really have something to teach us? And by the way, Chiquita (my god that name just gets up my Fernando, why don't you lay all your love on me, honey honey touche me baby, ah ah, gimme gimme gimme a man after midnight, oh OK, forget it), you're absolutely right, I WAS hanging out with scary assed women in the 70s, hoo boy, crinkled crinoline up the crac

(Submitted by patrick)

skycloud? are you kidding me? i too see a cummulo- dickie forming behind you. yur humor lies where?

(Submitted by WalFix)

Thank you, Pat, but actually, it was kinda nice to get a little airhead. Need some WIPES for skyfart's blue dress please.

(Submitted by Andre)

and while I'm thinking about it (I can't get my mind off it, to be quite honest, it obsesses me, I go to sleep thinking about it, on the toilet I'm just cogitating endlessly about it), why doesn't Derek post on his home page a picture of his backyard? I want the mystery of the scott's soil, azaleas, human skulls and dri-bottoms cleared up once and for all. I want to know if his backyard really is the setting for murderous mayhem and buried bodies, a garden of human corpses.

(Submitted by Dalliance )

Wow, talk about stormy weather! Can someone please explain what it means to have a moosemail address? I have mummymail address, is that a bad thing too? Mummy, as in the wrapped up kind, not as in, the one that birthed me.

(Submitted by WalFix dimming)

Sorry to vent. That's not me and had miss airhead provided a wisp of humor I'm sure I could have refrained. So now I guess we can look forward with great anticipation to the marvelous sense of wit she's about to bestow upon us. Oh goody. Then again, that kind of negativity really bores me. Think I'll go away for awhile, maybe start my own spit-shined barrette collection. Bye, fun people.

(Submitted by Dalliance)

Hey......wait just a minute....*running and jumping on Wa*fix's back..hanging on...refusing to let go...riding around the room piggy back on Wal*Fix* Did I miss something? You can't go without me, Mister. Hurry Chiquita...help me!!!!!!

(Submitted by Dalliance)

Wait, just a damn minute!! *jumping on Wal*fix's back and hanging on for dear life* Did I miss something? *riding piggy back around the room on Wal*fix*...you're not going anywhere without me, Mister! Chiquita, help me...grap something!!

(Submitted by Chiquita)

*grabbing onto Dal's ankle with one hand & a human skull with the other* I'm trying, Dal, I'm trying! Lieu, Andre, someone, grab my ankle help me hold WalFix in!!! Hurry, we're... slipping... away......

(Submitted by melon)

dont worry, ill help! ill just pull out my gun and shot the horse! whats that? there is no horse? damn. i guess i leave you to the hands of the big assassin monkey. may his banana be with you always.

(Submitted by Chiquita)

melon, go for help!!! Can't... hold.. on... much... longer...

(Submitted by Dalliance)

Dang, he's strong, Chiqua!! If only I had my spurs. Now listen here...Wal*fix...you better just settle you tight ass down before I have to embarrass you if front of all the people with my Xena Warrior Princess strength...*looking pathetically at Chiquita..whispering aside to her* Quick, we need Nite Time cold medicine....Remember? We should have some somewhere unless Derek used it all on his conquest on The Night of the 100 Trojans.

(Submitted by mellow yellow)

Hey elmo, barrettes wash up on the bitches here during the summer. That skycloud airhead had em stuck all over herself. Looked like a giant french tickler walking thru the big and tall women's section. I can't find walfix. Afraid he went to a kinder, gentler place.

(Submitted by Dalliance )

*still desperately piggy-backing Wal*Fix, looking over at Mellow* Mr. Yellow, am I gonna have to come over there and spank you? Now, leave that poor girl alone. Make Love Not War, okay? Otherwise I'm gonna have to come over there and beat the shit out of you. You *know* have those Wal*mart steel toes...don't make me get ugly now! Whew, I think we all could use a Frappacino right about now....okay, everybody we are going to Starbucks.....Livin' La Vida Mocha...everybody sing...*singing and playing drum on Wal's head*

(Submitted by WalFix)

Derek, buddy, help me please. My most aqueous dreams are comming true. I've got Chiquita and Dalliance pinning down my every appendage like a sensual game of Twister. Uhhh, melon, I like you and all but lets just stay friends, k? Here Dal, you can have my spurs. Promise me you'll do that shrill Xena yell thing, okay? Chiquita, grab the ice outta your margarita and put it right, oops, yes, there. Please Derek, I need hair access now, please! Oh, it's twue, it's twue!

(Submitted by in lieu of reed)

Does WalMart sell cigarettes? I think I might start now.

(Submitted by wf)

By the way, Chiquita, that wasn't Dal's ankle.

(Submitted by Chiquita)

Oops, my mistake, WF *blushing furiously*. I was holding on awfully tight... hope I didn't do any damage. Maybe Derek could pick up some sort of splint for you? If not, I might suggest a lot of facial tissue (Derek?) and some duct tape.

(Submitted by melon)

dear me. ill just have you all know this type of wild orgy is not a normal part of my belief system. oh well... hey, walfix, i dont sail my boats in those waters, if you know what i mean... not that theres anything wrong with that.

(Submitted by Dally I want to be in Bali)

*rearing head* ooooohhhhh Duct tape...my favorite!!! melon, what kind of boat do you have exactly?

(Submitted by wf)

i know, melon. just trying to avoid explaining how a menage au quatro got started to matt. you know how he gets if anyone does any heavy lifting without a safety belt. hey, is there a gymnastic equipment section in the store? dal, i'm afraid the swelling's just not going down with you here. Chiq, where's that marg?

(Submitted by in lieu of reed)

what do you call those boats you have to push around with the long pole? i'm not sure that's something i could handle. what is it mel, ice breaker? john boat? inboard/outboard? a tug or just a pleasure craft?

(Submitted by Chiquita)

*TA DA* Chiquita to your rescue, WF- margaritas on the way! *riding in on white horse*

(Submitted by Chiquita)

Ahhh, to clarify, that's a white TROJAN horse.

(Submitted by large animal vet)

how many men can fit inside?

(Submitted by Imagining melon)

a Punt...that's what they call them in good ol' Cambridge, but he could have a Windjammer, a Pontoon, a Barge, a Luxury Liner, a Skiff, a BassMaster, a Clipper, a Schooner, a Tanker, a Container..woo hoo...this is fun! A Rubber Raft...

(Submitted by Dalliance)

*high five* to the good Dr.

(Submitted by Imagining melon)

a Steamer, a PaddleBoat...somebody stop me..an Outrigger...a Junket (nah)..jet propulsion..

(Submitted by Luigi)

A GONDOLA?

(Submitted by doesn't everyone have two?)

a catamaran?

(Submitted by WalBetwixter)

I'd like to go for a whirl, With a yeller-haired girl, in the back of a open-top jeep. We might rest for awhile, Until she says with a smile, "I'd sure like another receipt!"

(Submitted by Andre)

Sorry, I was searching for the remote (a bit hard when your fingers are all slippery), did I miss anything? My my, Dally's "ankle". *chuckles to himself* *chuckles again* *chuckles uproariously* *gets up in urgent cross-legged hurry to grab a box of wipes*

(Submitted by in lieu of reed)

Hey Andre, I really enjoyed my dinner with you.

(Submitted by i am not an ankle)

Andre, I'm really starting to like you. A lot.

(Submitted by Dalliance)

wait...that should have read Dally's ankle...not 'i am not an ankle' because that would imply that something other than I, myself, who is Dal, really liked Andre...and although, I am quite sure that many "non-ankles" adore Andre, I can't speak for them.

(Submitted by Mike)

dear god. you people make me sick. just stop this now.

(Submitted by melon)

let the ankle grabbing mayhem begin!!!!!!! oh yeah!!!!!

(Submitted by Not Dalliance (okay mabye a little))

*grapping Mike's ankle and slapping a barrett on him*

(Submitted by Dalliance)

Good morning melon, is that a pontoon in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? *grapping melon's ankle and squealing with delight*

(Submitted by Save the Monkeys)

There once was a chap named melon, his thoughts where awfully compellin', He spoke with his God, who was merciless and odd, and worse, a monkey assassinating felon.

(Submitted by melon)

actually, thats a monkey wrench in my pocket. but im still happy to see you. i cant think of the last time i heard somone squeal with delight. feels good...

(Submitted by Dalliance)

There once was a chap named melon, whose thoughts were awfully compellin'. He spoke to his God, who was tight- fisted and odd - a monkey assassinating felon.

(Submitted by Farmer Bill)

Dalliance, what exactly does "grapping" , as in "grapping an ankle" involve?

(Submitted by Chiquita)

Happy 4th, y'all! Derek, are you purchasing your fireworks at Wal*Mart??

(Submitted by Andre)

Can't think of the last time I found myself the subject of attention from the lieu (not to mention this sudden flame of arousal in the apono-bulb-augmented cyberbreast of Dalliance, it makes me want to wipe the covers of my MTM videos, slip them back in, and ease back in the recliner rocker with the remote firmly in one hand, and a fistful of Scott's soil in the other). I must confess something, though: I have had a passing interest in the career of the little round bald man who was not Andre, and have to concede that his career highlight is probably in voicing that rubber dinosaur in Toy Story. Apart from, of course, his dinner with moi. And Dalliance, I hope I'm not right in suspecting that perhaps your multi-pseudonymous persona goes beyond the occasional dabbling with Matt Krieg on May 26 1998. Have I really stumbled into the (computer) system of Doctor Tarr and Professor Fether? Nonetheless, you can dally with my ankle. Any time. You might even be able to untie my grundies while you're down there, they get in such wicked knots. And so as I don't have to post another comment, I want to take up something someone said so many many many postings ago, and that is, why would one hair access have a different UPC to an

(Submitted by Iva Nuthawun)

artichoke?

(Submitted by Andre)

Que? Hey, I meant to say "why would one hair access have a different UPC to another?" I hate that nasty trick at the end of your comments. And why I'm back is that that Princess Di lookalike is back, I missed her so much, the one with the hydraulic lower lip that reveals oh so perfect patrician teeth, I bet she could handle a key weiser or 300. Ee aw!

(Submitted by Dalliance)

Andre...thank you but let me say once and again that I categorically deny that Matt Krieg, May 26th thing. I have on occasion dabbled with pseudonymphoism but using with my proper address (as in the Tiger Woods fiasco- I couldn't help it, he is my hero) as a dead give away. And yes, once, but only once I was John Rocker because he is a peabrain - although we ny-ers have taken it in our hearts to fogive him, as he apologized and we are partial to repenting f**k-ups here, as well as the non-repenting variety, as well. But no. No Tar, No Feathers. I only went on the American stereotype rant because I hate stereotypes and besides, god, they are soooooo boring.Like all Poles are dumb, all Germans are Nazis, and French women all smell of B.O.(body odor) and Chanel 5. I hope you see my point. But Andre, I am a bit concerned because I think the woman you with the moving mouth is Ellen Degeneres (sp?) and if so she is more partial to the key-hole than the key weiser.

(Submitted by mellow yellow)

uh oh, now it's lou grant nekkid with an artichoke. time to go (h)url again.

(Submitted by i am gumby, dammit)

yeah andre, that's wallace (wally) shawn , also of manhatten and clueless fame. what a diverse resume he's sportin. although his barrette days have long since passed him by, you've got to hand it to the guy... he's to date resisted the comb-over temptation.

(Submitted by in lieu of speed)

"She's so fine, my 409." Derek doesn't expect that spray to work on his Volare, does he? Me thinks that might be a penal code violation.

(Submitted by ward cleaver of the court)

Can a woman be charged with a penal code violation? "How would you like to plead, Maam? You knew you could get locked-up for this, didn't you?"

(Submitted by Chiquita)

Good mornin' everybody *yawning & reaching for facial tissue for eye sleepers* Did anyone lose their head due to a fireworks mishap? If so, I happen to know Derek has a fine assortment of human skulls and color heads to pick from.

(Submitted by Chiquita)

Or, if anyone lost a foot, you might be able to borrow Derek's boot to camouflage it. And if you really want to impress people, use a barrette to clip a key weiser onto the boot. Ooooooh, ahhhhh...

(Submitted by WalTer)

Morning Chiquita. I was thinking about you and Dal and spurs and motor oil last night and kept seeing fireworks. My favorites were the mortars, the 25 shot rockets and, of course the giant apono bulbs with bees.

(Submitted by not dally)

if you want to help your god Derek,go to main page,scroll down to 6/29/00.check out the site"uncomfortable numbers of refrences from here" If this clow is serious he means harm, and Derek has a small child....unacceptable!we can do something to rid this site of it's blatant hate........and show the does't pass as human,that we are a force to be reconed with..

(Submitted by not dally)

sorry for the spelling errors! damn I am angry that someone could be,and is so vile!!!!!

(Submitted by Dalliance)

please...i am confused...not dally, might you change your name to something otherwise so people do not think it is me (Dalliance) posting. Not that I don't agree with you completely but I think I have already over-flooded the site with my name. thanks

(Submitted by MarkB)

Just seeing if this works

(Submitted by MarkB)

It does

(Submitted by Chiquita)

Ummm, MarkB, why wouldn't it work? Do you think the rest of us possess some special power that allows us to post our comments? But welcome... here, have a white globe *tossing welcome globe in your direction*

(Submitted by Norman Rockwell)

Dally, any idiot could tell from the lack of prose that it was not you!Sorry if you took offense,I only wanted to bring attention to that nasty site...a million sorrows sweetie!

(Submitted by Chiquita)

MarkB, wait... *rattling around in toaster box... searching... searching...* Here, also have an apono bulb, it sort of goes with the white globe.

(Submitted by large animal vet)

woah, just how many items can fit in that toaster box?

(Submitted by Deer Abby)

I've set my camo-trojans down somewhere and now I can't find them.

(Submitted by Chiquita)

Deer Abby, you might try looking for them in the toaster box.

(Submitted by Deer Abby)

Ha, you're right. And hey, isn't that my missing remote control? Sorry little toaster box, I must have been out-a-my-mind last time I visited. Care for a pop tart?

(Submitted by Dear Dairy Queen)

Chiquita, hmmm, something you munch? I like the idea of a Bunch! Let's forget being yellow, or cautious or mellow, and order bananna splits for lunch.

(Submitted by lexic0n)

not an animal, derek visited aisle 6 on at least four separate occasions previous to this. the database project has come to grinding halt on account of circumtsances to numerous to enumerate here, but through about the middle of 1998, derek visited aisle 6 on 3/15/97, 4/30/97, 6/18/97, and 9/15/97. there you have it.

(Submitted by i'm a lumberjack)

lexicOn, would you happen to have access to the air-speed velocity of a european swallow (the noun, or no, wait, the verb).

(Submitted by lexic0n)

whatever happened to that princess character? and, dalliance, i dont think that melons god assassinates monkeys so much as he is himself some sort of uber- monkey. additionally, i also like monkeys. and pants. oh, yes, monkeys and pants and dogs.

(Submitted by MarkB)

Well, I dunno Chiquita … there are a lot of reasons it might not have worked. It would just be my luck, OK? Sorry, I’m feeling a little negative lately. Also, I thought maybe there would at least be a delay before a posting appears, in case Derek reviews them first. Although I sure don’t see any evidence that anything is edited or censored here … Thanks for the bulb & globe

(Submitted by Little Toaster Box)

Dear MarkB...I'm so sorry you feel a little negative...I too feel that way sometimes. Like I am all empty inside. Here, have a pop-tart and oh, wait, look what we have here...a Kraft Caramel with your name written on it!

(Submitted by Little Bitty Toaster Box)

Deer Abby, okay you may have your remote since I tried all 57 channels and there was nothing on but some hunting show and a PBS Special about Swallowers and the Monkey Pants that their Dogs. Oh and a commerical for barrettes and 409. POP goes the WEASAL! (I just felt I needed to say that)

(Submitted by Linda Rocker)

I accidentally cut a pop fart in aisle 6 yesterday. Sales were a little slow for the next 3 or 4 minutes.

(Submitted by Toasty Box)

dang dang dang..that should have read "Swallowers and the Monkey Pants that they put on their Dogs" But I got all tense and got confused and besides now that I think about it..it was Jerry Springer, not PBS

(Submitted by Beer Abby)

Only 57 channels? You really need an even dozen more. I think you've been using the wrong cable. Look for Derek in electronics over the next day or so. He's been on a battery powered gadget kick as of late. You know... testing his boat in the unexplored waters of Lake Flaccid.

(Submitted by famous gas consultant)

maybe that's why derek never shops in 6, it's the premium gas line.

(Submitted by Chiquita)

Hmmmm, I can't decide who I like better, WalFix or lieu... What do you guys think?

(Submitted by Dalliance)

Dear Mr. Rockwell...you are a nice man.

(Submitted by in lieu of reed)

You could try us both on for size. Just an idea, although I think a rather brilliant one.

(Submitted by WalFix)

Rick or Norman? One paints a pretty picture, the other one was an artist.

(Submitted by Chiquita)

Hmmm lieu, I don't know if I could handle BOTH of you. Could one of you wait in the toaster box until I'm done with the other?

(Submitted by walfix)

We're not wabbits! We need some west!

(Submitted by WalFix)

Go ahead lieu, I'm going to introduce Linda Rocker to the snorkel/mask section.

(Submitted by MarkB)

Really, is there anyone who can honestly say they haven't farted at Wal-Mart, at least once?

(Submitted by Chiquita)

*raising high in the air*

(Submitted by Chiquita)

Whoops. That should said *raising hand high in the air*

(Submitted by Mrs. Eunice Gutrumble)

Our's is a lovely store where Edgar and I often stop to eat and look at the newest walkers. In fact, we had lunch there yesterday on our senior's discount. When we got home, I told Edgar, I said "Edgar, I've got to shit like I've never shat before." Then we played dominoes. Such a nice little store. Thank you.

(Submitted by Mrs. Eunice Gutrumble)

Edgar blew one out his ass there too. Such nice people, such a nice little store.

(Submitted by WalTer Gutrumble)

Nice Freudian slip, Chiquita. Admire your lofty technique. Mom! You and Dad get back to the home, please!

(Submitted by MarkB)

Yes, I'm confused Chiq but I think you're claiming that you have never farted at WM. Assuming this is true, you really should try it. I recommend the aisle with the cleaning supplies and air fresheners.

(Submitted by MarkB)

Yes, I'm confused Chiq but I think you're claiming that you have never farted at WM. Assuming this is true, you really should try it. I recommend the aisle with the cleaning supplies and air fresheners.

(Submitted by reddog)

Where I come from it's called Wal*Fart

(Submitted by Dalliance)

Dear Heavens *shaking head and squirting 409 all over the site surfaces* Thank goodness, I've arrived to restore some decorum. THIS...this is what happens when romance is not expressed frequently enough. Yes, o, yes, the bodily functions card is whipped out faster than a speeding visa. And in the immortal words of Kenny Rogers (I'm sorry Derek I know country music offends you but I'm trying to make an important point here)...yes, as Kenny would say...."you've got to know how to hold em'; know how to blow them; know when to walk away; know when to run"

(Submitted by Associate of the Year)

ATTENTION WALMART SHOPPERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Please refrain from passing noxious fumes in my department. You know for four years I attributed that odor to leaky solvent cans and it was just you, of the most foul bowel. Bean-o may be found in your friendly Wal-Mart Pharmacy. Have a so-so day.

(Submitted by Miss Ma'am)

7/5/00 9:09 p.m. How y'all DO go on. I declare I NEVER read such goins on in all my born days. *Blush* Y'all know all that blushin's just a cover up, don't y'all? You most certainly do, don't you Miss Dally? *Wink, wink* Bein' from the south an' all. Are you by any chance related to the Charleston Dalliances?

(Submitted by melon)

do you think if we ever learn how to make a flying giraf they would sell it at wal- mart? cause i know the market wants a flying giraf.

(Submitted by WalFix)

We have vandalism spray- painted very high on our WalMart. We affectionally refer to it as giraffiti.

(Submitted by mellow yellow)

i never go to aisle 6 anymore because the girl there always coughs on me. did that make me the coffee?

(Submitted by MarkB)

I was going to go to Wal-Mart before work but I didn't have time. I ran out of shampoo this morning but I can always use my wife's.

(Submitted by nasal astronaut)

i heard chiquita flattulate at the mart once. she bent over to pick up a 40 lb bag of SCOTTS SOIL and accidentally let one fly. we all ran away.

(Submitted by Chiquita)

Now hold on nasal astronaut! That's how rumors get started. If you did in fact witness such a thing (which, by the way, I highly doubt) it was obviously a Chiquita imposter. I'm dissapointed you could not tell the difference between the real thing and a cheap imitation. *stomping foot & holding nose high in disdain* And the proof is that I would never even attempt to lift a 40- pound bag of anything.

(Submitted by Chiquita)

Well, that is except for lieu's 40-pound... well, you girls know what I'm talking about.

(Submitted by nasa(l) astronaut)

maybe you're right, chiquita. it might have been carmen miranda instead of you.

(Submitted by in lieu of reed)

go to the ballgame with me chiquita. i'll buy you a super dog and a bag of nuts. do you have a pony?

(Submitted by Dalliance)

Wow!!! Chiquita...would that be 40 lb per? Are we talking, like, 80lb a set?? I think the nasal astronaut is highly delusional from a lack of oxygen to the cerebral cortex, or perhaps the...sounds like CPR is in order.

(Submitted by nasa(l) astronaut)

when i'm feeling gassy, i like to go to the aisle that sells the mr. microphone. "attention shoppers..."

(Submitted by WalTer Gutrumble)

If I'm "gassy" I'll just go out to the parking lot. That way I can claim it was the.. asphalt.

(Submitted by Dalliance)

nevermind on the CPR..

(Submitted by nasa(l) astronaut)

CPR sounds great Dally. Can I choose the location???

(Submitted by mellow yellow)

i, for one, have never heard chiquita flattulate in public and that's my final answer.

(Submitted by in lieu of reed)

you don't have to lift anything, chiquita. just sit next to it and talk sweetly and it'll lift itself.

(Submitted by markb)

What's hearing got to do with it? In public one should strive for the "silent but deadly" type that creeps down the aisle with no noise to call attention to the point of origin.

(Submitted by Chiquita)

Wow, that's something special... ALL I have to do is talk to it??? You've got a fairly well-trained... uh... Trojan horse there, lieu. And thank you, mellow, for your show of support (but, uh, is Regis there with you?).

(Submitted by mellow yellow)

no, but kathi lee is over here talking her fool head off. me thinks she's trying to get a rise out of me. silly girl, tricks are for posters.

(Submitted by in lieu of a brain)

i'd like to see kathi lee and jacqlyn smith in one of those bitch slap fights y'all keep talking about. yeehar! they can each wear the other one's collection and try and rip them off of each other. frank can do the commentary. boomer can just stay the hell away. WalMart can sell WalBangers and those fried pork skin thingys and turn up some old lou reed in the electronics department and we'll all pull up lawn chairs, 2 for $39.00, a have a good old time. what say?

(Submitted by MarkB)

Prediction: Derek is running out of paper towels. He will buy paper towels on or near July 7. And this bottle of 409 will last him until about August 30.

(Submitted by my oh my)

yeehar?

(Submitted by WalTer)

MarkB, was that "strive" or "stride"?

(Submitted by MarkB)

After striving (but not too hard) one should stride directly to the next aisle and listen for any reactions to one's flatulary efforts

(Submitted by walflower)

i'm still blown away that not elmo has a washed-up barrette collection. which beach is choice for barrettes?

(Submitted by Breavus)

Does WM have an elivater we can leave our airborn handywork in? I wish I was a butt ventriliquist. That would be realy cool.

(Submitted by Dalliance)

*on bended knee beside her bed, hands folded* Oh dear Lord, please let Derek go to Wal*Mart soon

(Submitted by WalFix)

*sitting on bed in front of dal* uh huh...

(Submitted by All State)

You're in good hands now!

(Submitted by Dalliance)

And please, Dear Lord, help lieu with his heavy burden...may his Magic Horse live long and prosper. And also, Father, may we not forget Chiquita and the terrrific strain that she is often under due to lieu's Bags of Plenty. Please, I ask, that you forgive me for what I did to the Assonaught, Lord but he deserved it. Amen

(Submitted by Dalliance)

Oh! *opening eyes* hey WalFix....*closing eyes and folding hands again* And P.S., please let Walfix's giraffe (the long necked one) cease his wicked spray-painting ways. Amen again.

(Submitted by Chiquita)

Hi Dalliance-baby!! *doing the Wal*Tart wave from the West coast to the East coast* Do you think you could use your feminine wiles on Derek & get him to go shopping??

(Submitted by MarkB)

Go buy some damn paper towels! And give me a spritz of 409. This screen is filthy.

(Submitted by Norman Rockwells)

Perhaps we could pass the plate,and Derek could run like the wind through aisle after aisle.Purchasing items for the chore boy,more colored heads,soil spend,spend,spend!!!And no litter lately,is le chat amongst the living??To reply to the Question,it is Norman the artist!!Not Rick the garish so called comedian!!

(Submitted by Iva Nuthawun)

That chore boy...does anyone know how he's going?

(Submitted by Andre)

I miss you Lexic0n, as I've told you elsewhere. I have been so much longing, so much yearning, so much desiring, to see that database finally up and running. *sigh* another day or week or month of waiting...and did we ever find out whether you were related to Marco? Thanks for confirming the terminal 6 issue, I think you've just confirmed that Derek is a somewhat desultory visitor to terminal 6. One can only assume that Shannon is not usually on that register...though I wouldn't scoff at the idea that occasionally she might be found standing on a ladder, archly raising one leg, stocking the top shelves of the aisles with the scott's soil, dri-bottoms, filter pads and azaleas. If you catch my drift (which I certainly wouldn't object to on a warm morning after a brisk rubdown). And Dalliance, could you please return your artichoke to Iva Nuthawun? He's getti

(Submitted by Iva Nuthawun)

...he's the gettysburg address? He's Tom Petty? I think you ought to get off your artichoke, Andre!

(Submitted by abbrevi)

J. Paul? Some on the side? On your nerves? Off?

(Submitted by Dalliance)

LET ME IN!!! *stomping feets*

(Submitted by Chiquita)

where is everybody??? echo... echo... echo...

(Submitted by SuzinN.Cal)

Gosh! Here it is the 7th .. and no new receipts :o( Oh dear .......

(Submitted by MarkB)

Maybe Derek gets his kitty supplied somewhere else ... I just bought litter at PetSmart yesterday instead of Wally's

(Submitted by Dalliance)

"Wow, Dal, you look a little sunburned," says Derek, "I do?" I stammer, still febrile from Derek succulent extension in the gardening department. "Yep, that Volare hood throws off a fierce reflection. Looks like you need some after-suncare. Come on, let's go over to the pharmacy, I need to buy Nyquil, anyway." A gasp escapes my lips as an immediate Pavlovian response is effected somewhere in the immediate region of my body. "Nyquil?" I drool. "Yes" he nods,"told my neighbor, Mrs. Gutrumble I would pick some up for her. Oh, and don't let me forget her Gas-X." "Okay," I mumble forlornly, my hopes and dreams dashed like yet another bold-colored, but claspless barrette on a lonely shore - doomed to be one among many in some person's beach shore barrette collection. But then Derek smiles his sweet smile and I follow, giddy as a giraffe with a new spraypaint can. As we walk down aisle number 427 I grab a red plastic shopping basket as I see something of interest. "Oh, wait, Derek...here, we *really* need this. I heard it was *great* for sunburns." Derek eyes the herbal remedy with suspicion. "Oh, Dalliance," he chuckles,"you are so naive. 'Turbo Yohimbe and Tyger-Mouth Ginsing' is not for sunburn, Silly girl." Another barrette bites the sand but I soldier on, doing a bit of shopping as Derek speaks to the pharmacist and (I see as I peak through the Dr. Scholls corn pads and Odor Eaters display) surreptiously eyes the Trojan selection with his keen peripheral vision. I soon return from my forage,beaming withhope grown anew. "Dal, what in heaven's name are you doing with all those ace bandages?" Derek inquires handsomely. "Oh, Derry," I wink mischieviously, "I thought we might play 'unwrap the Pharoah' after our 'Big King' sandwich dinner. "I'm afraid I don't know how to play that game." "Don't worry, I'll teach you. You'll love it. First, you have to explore my pyramid in a most thorough manner." "Cool," he says "I love archeology." "Ooohh me too" I assure him, "especially the arch-ing part! It gets harder after that part but...oh, were gonna have so much fun!!" I squeal. (to be cont.)

(Submitted by Chiquita)

To be continued!?!?!?!? Now that's just downright mean, Dal. I need a facial tissue to dab the tears of hurt forming in my baby blues. And a Butterfinger washed down by a AW Cream Soda chaser would help, too.

(Submitted by glow worm)

Wow. Dal, perhaps you can answer a question that has been bugging me for months. Does Derek still have that suede booty he purchased Dec. 12,'99?

(Submitted by Meso)

o.k. .... bored one night and just found this site. my problem...and from the looks of the followers to this incredible page...it's a big one...we do not have a wal mart anywhere close to where i live. we have a target, but no wal mart. my god........the life i am missing in these va

(Submitted by meso)

my last line was supposed to read... the life i am missing in these vast isle

(Submitted by Iva Nuthawun)

Meso, I think you've been borrowing Andre's artichoke. I suggest you sterilise and wipe thoroughly.

(Submitted by lolie)

derek, there needs to be more people like u.

(Submitted by Solid Snake)

You SHIT! You buy Fucking Hair care products on my birthday? I curse your children and your unborn children with the SHITTING HEX!!! YOU WILL NEED MILLIONS OF DRI-BOTTOMS! Hey, if they rapped, would they be Dre-B

(Submitted by cmn )

Derek, please tell me you don't have a mullet!

(Submitted by Ananka )

Am I seeing things or is Noosha Fox's name there? Where did she disappear to? I'd just like to thank her for her music - which has inspired me in many things. I'm totally indebt to Noosha and Fox - thanks..........

(Submitted by NYCFASHIONGIRL )

WHAT COLOR WAS THE BARRETE! PLEASE I NEED TO KNOW IF IT GOES WITH MY SHOES!

(Submitted by Mr. Z (And the ladies think so) )

Gosh, you bought stuff on my birthday. What is all that shit for? I don't like that stuff. Don't worry, you still have time to go back and buy good stuff... Oh, wait, it's December 31st at 2:30 AM EST! You don't have time for this year, but next year, BE PREPARED!!!

(Submitted by Your Mom )

Wow you went to Walmart on my birthday! Are you a transvestite that had no hair acess until now? Or was tis Friday wet t-shirt night at the gay bar?

(Submitted by Gern Blandston )

No, Mom.. Dad's the transvestite, remember?? Or did you already forget about having to hide all of your clothes from him??