Visitor Comments:

(Submitted by Chiquita )

Yes! Yes! Yes! First poster dance!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Submitted by Chiquita )

I'd like to volunteer to be the first poster painted.

(Submitted by Chiqca again )

Wow. Cookie sheets. Is that in case you get hungry in bed?

(Submitted by Steve )

My first post ever. Whoopppeeee!

(Submitted by Dalliance )

Chiqca-Babes, congrats...what color you gonna get painted? I wanna be painted too..I'm thinking a nice shade of grape jam. Hummmmm...cookie sheets! I love snacks in bed. I sure wish I had a car so I too could be a Wal*Tart Safety Star. Welcome Steve.

(Submitted by Terrence, le artiste )

I used to do nude model paintings...I'd cover the ladies with various pastel colors, then ask them to roll around on large sheets of paper laid out on the floor...the paintings pretty much sucked, but cleaning the brushes was a blast.

(Submitted by Dally )

Terry, you are so cutting edge. May I suggest you cover your future model in peanut butter (or chocolate chip) cookie dough and then roll her around in your bed? I think I know where you might sale your work.

(Submitted by Terrence )

Sale it...you mean I can stop paying for it!!!

(Submitted by fonger )

If I shaved my rear-end and walked on my hands backwards, would you paint a portrait of me to hang on my 'fridge?

(Submitted by MacD )

Alas...number 10...

(Submitted by Steven! )

Derek, way to go, way to play wait wait don't tell me for more PR! Cool site. Here in Silicon Valley, the Wal mart in milpitas totally sucks. They have absolutely no idea how to monitor flow. I mean, I've been there at 12 noon, lunch hour, and all they have is 5 lanes open. Uh...like duhh??? Anyway, so when that happens, what I like to if I'm going to be in line for a long time is to go to the shyte Mickey Ds in the place and get a the 2 cheese burger meal to eat while I'm waiting. Yeahhhhh.

(Submitted by behanz )

Hey, did anyone else hear Derek on the radio call-in quiz show "Wait, Wait, DOn't Tell Me!"?? There seems to be an interest in projects and crafts of a homey sort in today's purchases. Hm.

(Submitted by Dalliance )

yes, behanz, if you go back into the receipts you will see that our Big D has always been the artsy, crafty sort. Once he did a lovely piece called "Blue Woman with Dismembered Carp" (part of the Women with Fish series) that would humble Damien Hirst. Yes, our Derek is quite the Renaissance Man. He snacks, he cleans, he changes pooh panties, he creates artistic masterpieces as well as collect human body parts and grow foliage..least that is what we *think* he is doing with all that Scott's Soil he buys. Stick around and skim back - you will be amazed and astounded. He also attracts women like flies to pnut brt sacs.

(Submitted by Freud )

Screw Mushu and the Compubank he rode in on.

(Submitted by Shultz )

Happy Oktoberfest everyone!!!

(Submitted by K-La )

hey i heard derek on wait wait dont tell me. so i decided to check out the site and ive been reading wal-mart receits for the past 2 hrs. wow. this place is addictive.

(Submitted by Chiquita )

Welcome K-La. *tossing you a welcome glue stic* A word to the wise, Derek will frame you or any other poster without you ever knowing he's done it, he's sly like that. So beware.

(Submitted by something original that I just can't think of right now )

I heard Derek on NPR today, it sounded pretty ridiculous (like most websites) so I had to check it out and I have a question.......what is the deal with everybody living at Wal*Mart, I am telling you, we have a 24 hour walmart and it is absolutely ridiculous. EVERY TIME I go there, I have to park four miles away and take the fricken subway to get into the parking lot...hey, I just had an original idea, walmart is SOOOOO popular, they could add a subway to get into the store with pickups every five parking spaces or something. That would be so useful because I am telling you, I get really irritated with having to park in the Taco Bell parking lot and walking to Walmart, is there really that much stuff there that you can't get anywhere else? Because I am TELLING you, I see the same stuff at Target...of course it is a little bit more expensive at Target but it is still there and I only have to park half a mile away to go to Target. I KNOW!!! It is a plot to get all of the overweight walmart shoppers to walk three miles a day, they get you addicted to their prices and that way everybody shows up and has to walk a billion miles to and from their car, they get a workout, walmart gets revenues, the people live longer because they have exercised and walmart continues to get revenues. Hey, great ad slogan....SHOP WALMART, LOSE WEIGHT! Cool, I really am smarter than I thought, maybe I should be like a walmart prize winner or something. If anybody copies my idea, I will know they read it here and stole it, I will SUE!!!!! Have I said enough?

(Submitted by Andre )

Damn, can't get this frikn lycra bodysuit out of my bumcrack, now matter how much I twist.

(Submitted by Andre )

still twisting

(Submitted by susieonprozac )

So you people strap yourselves into your Walmart carts with your groceries for safety? For protection from mullets in the carpark no doubt. Its a strange image........

(Submitted by Professor Nut E. )

Hey Derek, did you buckle up after this purchase? I'd hate to think you didn't buckle up after visiting WalMart.

(Submitted by susieonprozac )

So you people strap yourselves into your Walmart carts with your groceries for safety? For protection from mullets in the carpark no doubt. Its a strange image........

(Submitted by Angry Artichoke )

Hello susieonprozac. We are connected at the same time. Communicate with my beeping beeper beep. Beep beep beep!

(Submitted by prozaconsusie )

..egami egnrts a sti tbuod on kraprac eht ni stellum morf noitcetorp rof ? ytefas rof seirecorg htiw strac tramlaW ruoy otni sevlevruoy parts elpoep uoy oS

(Submitted by Baby Shmp )

Andre, oh Andre, you are back..thank god those annoying Olympics are over *checking out your lyrca impacted bum crack* oh, Saucy!

(Submitted by Abi )

Andre - did you try out those sock suspenders yet?? Are you still twisting by the pool....

(Submitted by Tick Boy )

Welcome back Abi! Do you know how women are like hurricanes?

(Submitted by Dalliance )

Morning, Abs and Tick, "twisting by the pool" teeheehee..funny. So tell us, Ticky, how are women like hurricanes? (betting there is a trailer somehow involved in this)

(Submitted by Dalliance (curious mind) )

By the way, Tick Boy, just curious...do ticks have genitalia? Exactly, how does one tell a boy tick from a girl tick?

(Submitted by Tick Boy )

When they come, they're loud and wet, and when they leave, they take your house and car. (or trailer and pick-up)

(Submitted by Chiqca )

Andre, the twisting is the problem, the more you twist around, the worse it's gonna get. Although, I have to say *twisting in my own lycra suit* it does feel... a little... naughty. Kinda like being inside a banana skin.

(Submitted by Chiqca )

Andre, the twisting is the problem, the more you twist around, the worse it's gonna get. Although, I have to say *twisting in my own lycra suit* it does feel... a little... naughty. Kinda like being inside a banana skin.

(Submitted by Tick Boy )

Dal, just like humans, the females repeat themselves.

(Submitted by Terry )

So the PICTURE FRAME is 3 bucks, the POSTER FRAME was almost 9 bucks, what's the deal? Did you get a free poster with the frame? I know you usually get a free picture of somebody elses family with a picture frame. They owe you SOMETHING for the extra 6 bucks, don't they? Or is the POSTER FRAME a lot bigger than the PICTURE FRAME? Maybe that's it...so size DOES matter, huh?

(Submitted by Abi )

Tick Boy - I've missed you so much - ok here's one for you...Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg? They don't stop and ask for directions. he he he....

(Submitted by sapphire )

Oh Steven!...thank you so much for mentioning the fine city of Milpitas back there in the beginning of the posts. As a former resident, I am slightly misty-eyed from the pang of homesickness that brought back. Ah, the smell of Alviso wafting in the air near Wal-Mart......

(Submitted by sensual extremisty )

i get misty-hymaned every time i think about walmart.

(Submitted by in lieu of real food )

is the glue stic for your cookie sheet? jeez, come on over to our house, our cookies stick just fine.

(Submitted by lieu )

i'll bet he's glueing ANIMAL CRACKs together again. your poor kitty! between that and the NADS i'll bet it looks like one ripe, fuzzy, pink peach.

(Submitted by Mellow Yellow )

Here, Kitty, Kitty... Meeeeeeooooooooowwwwwwwwww!

(Submitted by Bond, Butt Bond )

I used to have a cat. I named her after that pilot chick on "Goldfinger."

(Submitted by goofy )

Didn't he buy 2 GLUEs recently? Now - a GLUE STIC RE this is developing into a problem!

(Submitted by Chiqca )

Hey, so the man's got a lot of things to glue together. Cut him some slack, eh? If you had that many counter cards for your child to cut & paste, you'd be buying a lot of glue, too.

(Submitted by Mr. Ed )

Hey Derek *whinnie* Dude, could you cut back on the glue, man? *whinnie, hoof shuffle* You're killing me, dude. *whinnie*

(Submitted by Si Mesetwin )

Derek, Bro, You gotta get to the root of the problem. Can I get you some Propecia, man? It looks better than a rug anyday.

(Submitted by Shame on poofta -you )

What's the RE in GLUE STIC RE stand for? Remover? Renal? Rectal? OMG, he's become a butt burglar!

(Submitted by Betty Ford )

RE stands for rehabilitation. Derek's enrolled in our out- patient "Glue Stick" program. It's available in all major urban areas, kind of like that gum for smokers.

(Submitted by skoal "sheep dip" )

what's available in your rural areas?

(Submitted by sheep herder )

no, i didn't mean that in a dirty way. i mean, jeez, nobody says "rural sprawl" do they?

(Submitted by Ned Beatty )

Not anymore, they don't.

(Submitted by in lieu of dirt roads )

i used to trust you Ned, but then you squealed on me. then i asked if'n that was a bush and you said "well, aintree."

(Submitted by sow'r grapes )

"that ned sure is cute." "yeah, in a pig's eye."

(Submitted by WalFixture )

Did they finish the World War Eleven Memorial? Did WalMart donate $14.5 million or were they just a small part of a nationwide $14.5 million effort?

(Submitted by BalmainBoy )

Mighty Aponolite, you did it! The closing Ceremony all revolved around you, and I was there! The way you brandished that wreath, with the soft focus and blue lighting! I'm sure you have inspired a new generation of Wal*Tart priestesses!

(Submitted by Aponolite )

O tosh, Balmain Boy, you mean that little old thing? Why I just whipped that bit o' wattage up at the last minute. *twittering like a dewey eyed nymphette* So, you really liked the wreath thing? I'm tickled pink. Just makes me want to go out into the Wal*Mart parking lot and blow on a diggeredoo! Say, do happen to have a spare you might lay at my altar? That would be, like, swell.

(Submitted by Diggeredont )

DAMN...so close...

(Submitted by BalmainBoy )

Alas O mighty white globe, to play the didge you have to be able to breathe in through the nose and out through the mouth at the same time, and there is yet no female who will admit to this ...

(Submitted by SuzinN.Cal )

Hi all!!! *waving* ... dam I am laughing my butt off here!

(Submitted by BalmainBoy )

Hi SuzinN! *holding out cookie sheet* This butt woudn't be yours, would it? Have you been unscrewing your belly button again? *fumble* here, use this glue stick.

(Submitted by Mr Ken Verybigliar )

Im a hamster!

(Submitted by Terry )

Wrong page...

(Submitted by Abi )

Morning all! *waving sock suspenders at everybody*

(Submitted by Dalliance )

Morning all! *waving my cookie sheet*

(Submitted by Gnatalie )

Tick Boy, so you are saying that you do not have a tick...er..dick?

(Submitted by Andre )

...still twisting by the pool. Strange, the thoughts that go through one's tiny little mind when one is trying to twist the lycra out of one's bumcrack...I've started visualising Dalliance in a lycra bodysuit...does the phrase "the lips of the crater of Mt St Helens" mean anything to anyone?

(Submitted by Tick Boy )

Not anymore...I stuck it in a dog one time, and it was more pleasant to gnaw it off than to wake her up. But it's regenerative, so I'm patiently waiting...

(Submitted by Pillion Pal )

you guys are totally disgusting....Tick Boy - you want to be careful - using those long words - you don't want the blood to rush away from your brain, it'll never grow back then...

(Submitted by Tick Boy )

Pillion...didn't I see you in an elevator one time?

(Submitted by Terry )

Now I see what Chicqa was talking about...you are ALL a bunch of weirdos. And Pillion, I agree with you about the big words...I was talking to my girlfriend last night, and she asked me "What's a pedophile?" I mean, isn't that n awful big word for a 12 year old...

(Submitted by Chiqca )

Terry, I'm tellin'ya... we're all out of our flippin' minds!

(Submitted by Pillion )

Tick-babes - that wasn't me, that was your sister, didn't you recognise the banjo strapped to her back?

(Submitted by Tick Boy )

So that's what kept pokin' me in the NADS.

(Submitted by Pillion )

I'm surprised you weren't tickled by her moustache either.....

(Submitted by Dalliance )

Andre, excuse me?? I'm not sure what your last post meant but it didn't sound very flattering. Don't make me pull out my banjo.

(Submitted by Tick Boy )

The moustache wasn't so bad, I just wish she'd have taken the cigarette out.

(Submitted by Dal )

where's lieu?

(Submitted by Ecnaillad )

racecar is a palindrome. kayak too! thought you'd like to know.

(Submitted by BalmainBoy )

..and Notlob is one too, isnt it! Oh, um, *shuffle* well, it used to be *heh heh*

(Submitted by Chiqca )

So is GLUE STIC. Ok, well it's not really. But if there were any justice in the world, it would be.

(Submitted by Dally Revenger )

Chicqa, can you believe that Andre dissed me like that?! I'm gonna give him a piece of my diggeredoo when I see him. Do you mind glue stic-ing him down while I do??

(Submitted by BalmainBoy )

So your didgereedoo will become a 'piece pipe' nyuk nyuk

(Submitted by Andre )

...condemned to twist forever...

(Submitted by Sin de Lorpa )

I gotta hole between my legs and I think it's a vagina

(Submitted by I am not an animal )

I know what a picture frame is, but what's a pictur frame? Is it a frame for the original city of the celtic people from Scotland?

(Submitted by Terry )

Gush vs. Bore...Abi, can I come stay with you for the next four years?

(Submitted by Abi )

Morning Terry - I was listening to bits of them on the radio this morning - what are they like!! Just come on over - I've got heaps of space....you'll need to bring a tent though, and any spare ChoreBoys would go down well.

(Submitted by Abi )

Dal, Chiq, Lieu, Mellow - are you out there??? Actually, I'm probably a bit early aren't I?

(Submitted by susieonprozac )

Dear Iamnotananimal , the Picts are not to be confused with the Celts. The Picts were of Scottish origin whereas the Celts are to be found in Ireland, Wales Portugal and even Indiana. Dear Angry Artichoke, nice to meet you

(Submitted by Coach )

Chore Boys going down well...hmmm...just like summer camp.

(Submitted by in lieu of vice )

alright if'n i bring a pup tent over, abi? it too goes down well. terry, i too might do my civic duty before departing and flip a coin on november 7th. heads - the liar wins. tails - the bush baby. actually, now that i think about it, a bush baby sounds kinda nice. got's loads of connotations, eh?

(Submitted by Pillion )

Tick - I meant to ask earlier - took the cigarette out from where??!

(Submitted by mar"talk soup"pial )

mrs. c, are bush babies and young kangaroos the same thing? because young joeys seem to prefer going back to the pouch and therefore hanging out around the, errr, well, you know...

(Submitted by lieu )

pillion, uhhh, why do you think they're called butts?

(Submitted by Terry )

I still think the funniest damn thing is that Clinton is going to be forever remembered as the President after Bush.

(Submitted by nicotine vs dentine )

why don't i smoke? who the hell wants to put a butt or a fag in their mouth? plus there's that (w)hole breath thing..."excuse me, are you going to eat the rest of that ash tray?"

(Submitted by Tick Boy )

But the worst part was that other thing I did...kinda like eating sushi off of a barbershop floor.

(Submitted by mellow )

good'n ter. poor hillary just can't seem to keep the other bushes out of the white house.

(Submitted by The "VICE" President )

Of course Gore is for abortions. In his characterless mind, how are they any different than Monica washing her dress?

(Submitted by floss often? )

tb, doesn't your barber offer shaves?

(Submitted by Euell Gibbons )

You know, many parts of the pine bush are edible.

(Submitted by Tick Boy )

Monica: I'd like to get this dress cleaned. Hearing impaired dry cleaner: Eh? Come again? Monica: No, this time it's toothpaste.

(Submitted by presidential palindrome )

Dog, no monica? A cinomon god.

(Submitted by gnu dung )

Nilrem? Drab bard Merlin!

(Submitted by palinfact )

no lemons no melon.

(Submitted by palinspastic )

Do geese see god. Camus sees sumac.

(Submitted by Dalliance )

I dare to differ..Camus cared not for sumac, he smoked only gauloises like any decent Existentialist. I believe you are confusing him with Saussure..(hehehe - sorry little philosophy humor) Andre, I am still waiting *patting my foot*. And, since, as the boys mentioned, we Americans are being faced with Dumb and Dumber over here, I've decided to go down under for the next 4 years...Balmain Boy?, Andre? can you perhaps offer me a place I might lay my body down?

(Submitted by Abi )

lieu - of course you can come too! I'll get the welcome hedgehog all ready for you....

(Submitted by Run Dally Run )

hey Abi-Cakes..looks like Strumpshire is gonna be kickin!! Pull out the party hats! May I stop by for a visit on my way to Austrailia?

(Submitted by Terry )

Politicians and diapers should both be changed regularly...and for the same reason.

(Submitted by in lieu of hillbillies )

That Clinton boy sure had an eye for figures... especially 8's (or "ates" in Monica's case).

(Submitted by Abi )

Dal - it has the makings of another gator-rave! Come on by - please bring lots of cookie sheets - looks like we're gonna need them!

(Submitted by Tick Boy )

Got any farm animals out there Abi?

(Submitted by spatula flattula )

Got any kitchen implements out there Abi?

(Submitted by Abi )

Loads Tick , what d'you fancy?

(Submitted by Loaded Tick )

I'd heard wonderful things about sheep...why, they say in West Virinia, they're actually shearing the wool off of them to make clothing!

(Submitted by in lieu of normal )

Stay away from the ones in Indiana. They're all trained to back up to the fences.

(Submitted by John Beere )

Know how they cloned Dolly? The same Arkansan took two lunch breaks.

(Submitted by Chiquita )

Mornin' y'all! I've brought KITTY TREATS for everyone *flinging treats in all directions* Oops, sorry lieu, I didn't mean to hit you upside the head like that. Here, let me help *digging kitty treat out of lieu's forehead*

(Submitted by Abi )

Chiq - thank god, I was beginning to feel ganged up on by the boys and their sheep fixation!

(Submitted by Tick Boy )

I'm sorry Abi, did we make you feel baaaaa'd

(Submitted by Chiqca )

Pssst, Abi... step over here where the guys can't hear us... I dare you to say "BAAAAAAA" within earshot of the guys. Trust me, their reaction will be priceless. *nudging Abi toward the guys*

(Submitted by Abi )

*creeping towards the boys* BAAAAAAAAAA!!

(Submitted by Pan )

*galloping toward distressed sheep* Sorry it took so long but I was on the lam. Oh, look at the embracable ewe! Scuse me, maaaam, but would you like the wool pulled over your eyes? If'n your kids would like a nice lullaby, I taught that two-legged Zamfir every note he knows. Don't trust him though, he's a woof in sheep's clothing.

(Submitted by in lieu of black sheep )

so where can i find this 100% virgin wool i've been hearing about.

(Submitted by in lieu of glue )

Chiquita, it's still stuck there. Here, sweetheart, put your foot against my forehead and pull. Doesn't work? Hmmm, try both feet. Lift with your legs, not with your back! Mo, myes, mats much metter!

(Submitted by Chiquita )

Oh *embarassed blush* sorry lieu. That got a little out of control *shuddering with excited shiver* *fanning self with counter card* Anybody got a cigarette? I don't even smoke, but I think I need one.

(Submitted by the trash heap don )

i'm gonna make you an offer you can't refuse...

(Submitted by pink overjoyed )

have a cigar, chiquita, you're gonna go far...

(Submitted by deligate matters )

hey abi cakes, just how do those prickly little hedgehogs have intimate relations, or do they all prefer to just stay good friends (you can assume correctly that we've already heard the "very carefully" response.) does it become easier after they've been run over and flattened out a bit? and the birth thing, what if they're breech? i'm just remembering the last time i opened an umbrella in a telephone booth.

(Submitted by Terry )

Lieu, you wanna know about virgin wool? Go ask an ugly sheep. Chic, need a cig? I know where there's a "slightly used" butt...

(Submitted by vwman )

uhh...do you know youre putting your credit card number on the internet, its on the receipts, i just ordered a bunch of stuff for myself though...thanks!

(Submitted by Light Bulb )

Hey, I bet Derek never knew what all those numbers were before. Wow, what would he do without you, vwman??

(Submitted by in lieu of a real car )

maybe that's why he's still driving a bug.

(Submitted by Karma )

I was a bug once.

(Submitted by Dalliance )

Speaking of bugs, I just read that in the span of a life time the average person eats eight spiders while they are sleeping.

(Submitted by Dalliance - Eater of Arachnids )

*sigh* I think one bit my heart cause now it's all swoll up. (and swoll is so a word!)

(Submitted by rainy )

people eat the spiders while THEY, the people, are sleeping, or people eat spiders while the spiders in question are sleeping? your modifier is dangling!

(Submitted by BalmainBoy )

Dilly-dally, you want to come down the yellow brick road to Oz? All immigrants have to pass a very very stringent test - singing all 4 verses of Waltzing Matilda without laughing! Just as well I was born here!

(Submitted by Claudine )

I ate a spider once...then I shot him.

(Submitted by Dalliance )

well, rainy, I happen to have quite a large modifier and sometimes it dangles, and then again I didn't realize the grammar police were gonna be out tonight so I went with it.

(Submitted by Dalliance (needs home) )

yes, Balmain Boy, I am in need of deep solace..please take me down the yellow brick road. Andre has been quite cruel to me of late, so I appeal to your kindness..I need a place to dangle my modifier freely. May I waltz ma tilda with you?

(Submitted by BalmainBoy )

I got home last night and my daughter had brought home ANOTHER horse with her ... I suppose I could return the favour and bring home a cyber-date for dinner *PS can you muck out a stable?*

(Submitted by Dally )

We have ponies?? I love ponies!! woohoo! Sure, I can muck, I was born to muck. Mucking in is my blood.

(Submitted by KEVHEAD24 )

Sorry-posted a message on your first recipt instead- guess I'm an idiot, too...

(Submitted by BalmainBoy )

Ok Dally, you sit over there. Hello dear, I've brought someone home from the office, I thought it would be nice. So what, we only have meatloaf leftovers, Dally wont mind! I just thought *ouch* it would be nice *ow* to have a visitor *yikes* from that website *stop hitting me* I told you about!

(Submitted by Dally (homeless again) )

Ok, BalmainBoy, I understand the wife thing..I'll just take my hobo stick with the little kerchief bundle and be on my way *sniff* I'll be fine *wiping away a tear* No worries. It was awful sweet of you to offer though *kiss on the cheek*

(Submitted by BrooklynBoy )

*Knock knock* Hellllooooo! Its the Snickers man here!

(Submitted by Andre )

Dalliance, is a labial fricative a...oh, never mind. So you don't want to blow your crater over me, then?

(Submitted by Abi-cakes )

Dally - you can come and live with me, I know I can't offer the same temperate climes as BalmainBoy, but we can watch hedgehogs together....and chase the sheep, if you like??? Lieu and Terry are bringing their tents, and I think Coach is coming with some saucy Chore Boys in tow...

(Submitted by Little Bo Pimp )

hey boys - you want virgin wool?? follow me round the back of the shed, I'll show you what I got......

(Submitted by Tick Boy )

I'd really like to "pitch a tent" at your house too.

(Submitted by Little Bo Pimp )

hey Tick, from what I hear about english girls, she'd probably kill to have an erection in her garden....

(Submitted by Dalliance )

Thanks Abi-Babes, you're an angel with celestial eyes for sure, but methinks you have your hands full what with all that tent pitching and animal rights protection you'll be having to do...perhaps I'll just weather it out here in old NYC but, say, if the testosterone becomes too over-whelming, come visit me...we can sit around and giggle at our goofy politicans - Oh, for a handsome, virile and steadfast leader like Tony Blair *sigh*

(Submitted by Brooklyn Girl )

Hi Brooklyn Boy, *sweet smile* You have Snickers too?!? My Hero!

(Submitted by Abi )

Well, Dal if it all gets too much, I'll be over asap! Oh, and I would like to state for the record that I am fairly fussy about what goes up in my garden!

(Submitted by Dalliance - Adventurer at Large )

Say, Abi, little change of plans..seems I'll be away travelling for a bit...destination Biskra where I shall drink Shiraz on an empty stomach and eat candied rose petals as the Persians do. So then, if it all gets to be too much, drop me a line and I shall tell you how to get to my secret hide-away where one can sleep on the terrace under the bright stars. Ta-Ta and a kiss to my sweet Chicqa.

(Submitted by Tony Blair )

Why thank you Miss Dalliance. You're compliments have me feeling well chuffed. Unless, of course, they're a load of old pony.

(Submitted by Tick Boy )

Confidential to Balmain Boy: What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing...you already told her twice.

(Submitted by Chiquita )

Dalliance-baby, I'm terribly jealous that I can't get my modifier to dangle like yours. I try & I try & I try & I just can't do it. What am I doing wrong? *wiggling up & down, trying to dangle my modifier* Hmmmpf!

(Submitted by O.J. Simpson )

Hey, Tick Boy, you sound like my kind of guy. Let's get together & discuss women sometime.

(Submitted by in lieu of wooly mammoths )

i'm still working on steadfast but will staff fast do in the interim (bet you never heard it called an "interim" before.) please keep us informed dal as to your whereabouts and general health. i'd ask you to send me a post card but your last one to me really hurt - "weather is here, wish you were beautiful." i hope the shiraz you find comes fresh squeezed from some young adonis standing above you with a bunch of succulent grape clusters. if you guys have sex, do you think maybe you could pretend it was with me? i'll do the same thing with the sheep and pretend it's with you.

(Submitted by Tick Boy )

O.K. if we just talk on the phone?

(Submitted by Ash-lee-B(uk) )

I hope that Picture frame came in handy for you, not forgetting the glue which you've been sniffing...

(Submitted by byron nelson )

oj, you retarded bastard. that's not what we meant by "making a hole in one."

(Submitted by lee trevino )

damn oj. you bladed your ball again!

(Submitted by jack nicklaus )

oj, you f*cking putz, i told you your swing was going to get you into trouble.

(Submitted by arnold palmer )

you're a dumbass oj to leave yourself with a lie like that. unbelievable!

(Submitted by Abi )

Do go for too long Dal, - I'll miss you - please send me some rose-petals c/o Strumpetshire, and I'll sit under the moon and think of you in exotic lands......

(Submitted by in lieu of eros )

i'll think of landing on your exotic moons.

(Submitted by diction smiction )

can participals dangle too? if'n i was a verb, i'd want to be an action verb. that proper noun stuff sounds boring, way too pluperfect.

(Submitted by Margaret Thatcher )

Do I make you horny, baby?

(Submitted by Dennis Thatcher )

Do I make a good gin & tonic, baby?

(Submitted by Janet Reno )

Don't hate me because I'm beautiful.

(Submitted by J. Edgar Hoover )

Does this dress make me look fat?

(Submitted by Tick Edgar Boy )

My wife is SO fat, I saw her naked the other day, and I couldn't see any pubic hair.

(Submitted by Abi )

er Dal - correction here - I meant to say don't go for too long, NOT do go.......

(Submitted by Pillion Pal )

Tick - I met your wife in an elevator the other day and she said the same thing about you! Spooky!

(Submitted by MacGuyver )

Sorry Tick, she and I had a close shave the other day.

(Submitted by in lieu of exposition '2000 )

that's why they call it pubic, not public.

(Submitted by Fuzzy Math )

A penis in the hand is worth two in the bush (whatever that means)

(Submitted by Tick )

Doesn't matter Mac, I think she's dead anyway...the sex is the same, but the dishes are starting to pile up.

(Submitted by in lieu of how singles dingle )

that just means the marriage was legal.

(Submitted by Urine Mylight )

I can't see where I'm peeing.

(Submitted by Emissions Testing )

I understand in Japan it's considered a compliment to your host to belch after a satisfying meal. What if you liked the seat cushion too?

(Submitted by not lieu, but wish I was )

Speaking of sheep, if a sheep is a ram, and a mule is an ass, how come a ram in the ass is called a goose?

(Submitted by Betty Crocker )

Ooooh! A cookie sheet! Try this recipe, Derek: Easy Peanut Butter Cookies 1 C peanut butter 1 egg 1 C white sugar Mix all ingredients until smooth. Roll into balls and place on cookie sheet 2 inches apart. Flatten each cookie with a glass dipped in sugar. Bake in a 325 degree oven 14-18 minutes, or until golden brown. Yum! Wash 'em down with what else - Mt. Dew! Enjoy!

(Submitted by lieu )

actually, i thought it was called "3 to 5 with time off for good behavior."

(Submitted by in lieu of eddie haskell )

hey wally, why is a ward in the june called a beaver?

(Submitted by BalmainBoy )

Everybody scroll up and reflect on the receipt: hmmm ... a cookie sheet for the canvas ... poster paint for painting the portrait ... a picture frame ... a glue stick to hold it in place ... I'd say Derek had a premonition of this Biskra expedition and he's putting up 'wanted' posters of Dalliance already.

(Submitted by BalmainBoy )

All together now: "Has anybody here seen my old friend Dalliance ... can you tell me where she's go-o-o-one? ... she freed a lot of people, but it seems like the good die young ... I just turned around and she's go-o-one"

(Submitted by Abi )

oh BalmainBoy *trembly lip and tear drop glistening on eyelash* - I miss our Dally, do you think she'll be back soon?? *sob* Can I have a cookie sheet as a comforter please?

(Submitted by Mrs C. Campbell (C is for )

Hey Balmain Boy: city girl, a-toxic taste, a girl falls from innocent grace, dry-eyed men and women looking into your eyes bla bla bla oh go touch yourself if you don't know what I'm talking about.

(Submitted by Mrs C. )

shit, that's city "air", got so confused with all you boys and girls and geese and watermangos.

(Submitted by lieu )

if you're looking for dal, i think you can find a piece of her in all our hearts.

(Submitted by in lieu of the human factor )

holy cow, what's the deal??? why is everyone soooooo quiet??? dal, chic, abi, suz, (guys), is everyone asleep after the olympics? asleep because of the olympics? asleep after morning sex? out of coffee and baileys? doing their marcel marceau impersonations?

(Submitted by marcel marceau )

(Submitted by in lieu of silence )

Does everyone know about Derek's "I am" page? It's enterable from this site's main page and is often quite funny.

(Submitted by Abi )

lieu, lieu, I'm here for you....sorry I've been a busy little thing today......

(Submitted by cliff )

WOW you bought paint? You really cares , this is a useless website.

(Submitted by Toms )

Yes, buts wes reallys knows hows tos structures ours sentences properlys.

(Submitted by Dalliance )

Hey Everybody...I'm back...whew, what a whirlwind trip that was...gonna hit the sack now and will unpack and spread out the goodies I got for you all tomorrow. I missed ya'll and was loving ya'll the whole time I was gone.

(Submitted by in lieu of brain farts )

cliff? jump off one.

(Submitted by in lieu of ward cleaver )

we're glad you're back dal and as a travelling guy am not surprised at your trek induced exhaustion. see, us guys being natural marsupials have a pre-ordained sac with which to carry around our "goodies" in and, therefore don't wither at the same rate. we see something small we like and simply "slip it in." by it's very nature it causes a cessation of inquiries from males about our shoplifting intents and females that inquire are quickly led down a different path of investigation. it's really quite handy... okay, that's when we're not "involved." anyway, the thought of "your goodies" all spread out will keep us fellers mesmerised in self-indulgent FANtasies until you're ready to fill us in. ohhh, to be your pillow... and dal, where are your lovely siblings abi and chiquita. you three could have a menage au trois that we'd forever relish even if only encountered virtually. well, i'm tired (firestone?) and off to bed. good night, june cleaver. tuck the beav in for me, wood you?

(Submitted by l )

ummm, that was tuck with a "t", mkay?

(Submitted by in lieu of convention )

there once was a palinspastic, who restored things in a manner most drastic, but he alluded with a nudge, that in a pinch he could fudge, cuz he worked with a material called plastic.

(Submitted by Steven Page )

Day 35: Ed is driving me crazy with his constant rapping. sadly, all of america buys into his rapping. first it was One Week, and now Pinch Me. dumb americans. this is why canada's plans to overtake all of north america will no doubt succeed gloriously! he thinks he's "kot like wusabi", eh? i fear i may have no choice but

(Submitted by (continued from above) )

to eat him.

(Submitted by ed robertson )

hey steve, it's "HOT like wasabe"! and don't tell them the plan for godsakes, steven!! let them enjoy my phat ryhmes while they still have ears....

(Submitted by Dalliance )

Well, good morning, you glorious little sunbeams...Biskra was lovely but I grew so homesick. But, see here, I've returned with goodies, yes indeedy. Abi, candied rose petals and a bottle of oasis air, Chicqa, for you the most wonderous dates (picked em myself)and silken underthings for you both in indigo and deep purple. Balmain boy, for you I have a handsome desert robe that no doubt will look dashing on you as you stroll from homestead to stable (I was going to bring you a camel but he was a most contary beast and simple refused to fold his legs properly to fit into the suitcase.

(Submitted by More Dal )

Now, lieu, for you, I bartered fiercely with a streetwise urchin named Moktir for this fetching gandoura for you - all the boys wear them you know! Yes, I realize that they are a bit skimpy but...and Terry, daring Terry, for you I have found quite the prize *beaming proudly* yes, yes, it is as reckon - a single mud-flap for your future soft- tail!! Notice the little veil and harem pants the playboy bunny girl it sporting? Whew, well, enough for now..I have bits and pieces for others but I must dash now for a nap...jet lag, you know..tata

(Submitted by Dalliance )

p.s. a soft-tail is a motorcycle...cuz Lord knows, one could crack nuts with Terry's rock-hard butt. Not that he would want to crack nuts with it (although, of course, there's nothing wrong with..)I'm just saying..well, nevermind, just wanted to clarify, the harem girl mud- flap is for his bike.

(Submitted by Terry )

Welcome back Dally, and thanks for the flap, and the clarification on the nuts thing...Why, I haven't done that since I was a Chore Boy in summer camp, I can't remember the guys name that ran the place...All of this traveling has me in the mood for a vacation myself. Just this morning, I was looking over a map of Hawaii...whaddaya think?

(Submitted by Dally Lets Go To Maui )

Hawaii, ah, the surge of the sea, man, coconuts everywhere..ah, Terrycloth, you really know how to get me in the mood to get up and go again. Hawaii is my favorite state you know. p.s. that summer camp guy's name wasn't Dick Chestnut was it?

(Submitted by Chiquita )

I think the camp guy's name was Cliff. Dal, thanks for the dates... I've been wanting some for quite a while now. And for the silken things... how did you know indigo is my all-time favorite color?? I also was going to make a comment about Terry "tail" being anything but soft, but you clarified before I. Say, did the copmut go with you on vacation?

(Submitted by Hoping to get a lei-ed )

Chicqa..hehehehe..Cliff, good one!

(Submitted by in lieu of carelessness )

if'n you go tropical, be advised there are two kinds of strata on volcanic isles. one is called pahoehoe and the other is called aa (like you're yelping). should you two go horizontal (or in other words - native) it might behoove you to choose your stratum judiciously.

(Submitted by Andre )

'tis not a great situation to be in, in a lycra wrestling jumpsuit by the pool twistin', beneath coffee table made of glass surmounted by some big hairy farting ass waiting for Dalliance to show the fruits of her visitin'

(Submitted by Dally )

Andre, I brought you something too although you've been so peevish with me of late (perhaps it's the lycra), that I've been reluctant to share. And lieu lieu, silly boy, pahoehoe is, obviously, the way to go, (nothing like a good pahoehoe toe, eh?) cause, I mean, who wants to do it on top of all those a'a'clinkers. aaaaaaaaaaaa!

(Submitted by buschic )

ok , so I am not not the only WAL*MART freak here!!! I am in Canada and I like walmarts prices, since I live on 615.oo$ a month CDN (about $375.00US

(Submitted by Lauren )

If you ever go to Wal-Mart, take a friend, go to the costume department, get a red cape, put it on, and jump in the cart. Stand up and have your friend run and push you around. If you can, find devil horns and wear those. A pitchfork is always great too. Damn random people as you pass them. Always fun. Try it sometimes. My friend and I have gotten kicked out five times for doing to. Great fun.

(Submitted by Hummingbird )

And she is IN DE HOUSE!!!!

(Submitted by Terry )

HEY!!! We're back...I had just solved the riddle of the meaning of life, who killed JFK, where da f*ck IS Amelia Earnhart (sorry, the south thing), and gotten an e-mail from the Lindbergh kid, but I had a momentary blood loss to the brain and TOTALLY lost everything...I hate it when that happens...I guess the truly important thing is WE'RE BACK IN BIDNESS!!! Did everybody else actually have to WORK this Monday???

(Submitted by Chiqca )

Ahhhh, I feel whole again. Thank nanners I don't have to work again tomorrow. Derek, don't ever do that again, mkay buster, or it'll be straight to the trojan horse for you!

(Submitted by a clockwork yellow )

woe is we. are we just back ( as in recently?) it's 10:15pm central here and i'm hoping lauren wasn't waiting all day for a stupid reply. usually we provide those in short order. chiq, why don't you have to work tomorrow and are y'all accepting applications. this is late monday pm, right??

(Submitted by Merlin )

Greetings, your friendly Wizard has returned from his mediation on the Moors of Dart. Talking of "returning", I hope that you used the time wisely whilst this wondrous site was taken over by the Dark Ones, and were contemplating on life, the world and the universe ! Walking across bleak, barren moors hearing nothing but the sweet songs of the birds in the air and the scurrying of animals beneath the heather, deep in thought, oh happy thoughts ! Morning Abi ! Morning (other) Goddesses ! Morning everybody ! Morning birds, morning trees, morning little fishes that swim in the vast ocean ! What a great morning ! "The sun is out, the sky is blue, there's not a cloud to spoil the view !" Although I shy away from quoting from lesser mortals, it's a great quote from a slightly greater mortal, although the next bit about "my heart being full of rain", is slightly depressing ! As you can see, this Wizard is a 50's fan ! The Rocking Wizard ! Potion anyone !

(Submitted by Abi )

Trying again - it wouldn't let me post earlier.....I've missed YOU all sooo much....Dal - thanks for the pressies...back later xx

(Submitted by Pillion Pal )

Hey Tick Boy - you've been awful quiet recently - what's up - you're not still sniffing elevators are you???

(Submitted by Tick Boy )

You know the difference between a wife and a job? After 5 years, the job still sucks.

(Submitted by Terry )

Pressies? God I hope those are flower petals...on second thought...

(Submitted by Abi )

Terry - it's short for presents...

(Submitted by Terry )

Damn...one of these days I'm gonna larn me some English...

(Submitted by Hobo )

Well, hot diggerty dog, thar be anodda cotton pickin', fried squrirel eatin', cousin kissin', guy out thar that talks loike I do's ! Howdy thar pardnar !

(Submitted by Chiqca )

Hobo, there aren't many hot diggerty dogs here in receipt- land. However, we do have a copmut that we're quite fond of.

(Submitted by Copmut )

ARF!

(Submitted by Dalliance )

Morning, my pretties..wow, yesterday was pretty awful, eh? You wouldn't believe what I resorted to!!

(Submitted by Hobo )

Jussa long as that thar copmut is willin', i's game ! I's orf to git me dog opener !

(Submitted by mary lieu henner )

what? another vacation?

(Submitted by Kevin Hearn )

Hey, Steve. How's it goin', Ed? I'm just sitting here, eating some eggs and thinking about our plans. Those silly American(t)'s will never know what hit them, eh? I feel jolly.

(Submitted by did your mother drink when she was pregnant? )

you sound confused.

(Submitted by why won't these open? )

the sperm bank called and would like for you to return at least some of their magazines.

(Submitted by MacD )

Methinks we need a new receipt. The lack of interest here is depressing. Where are all the clever reponses?

(Submitted by susieonprozac )

Dear MacD don't be depressed. Perhaps Melon will be back soon with his poetry.

(Submitted by BalmainBoy )

* Piercing stare across the dunes, just like Peter O'Toole did in Lawrence of Arabia * O where is my Dalliance, for there is great muck to be moved! Alas, I have lost her to the 15,000 date palms of Biskra! (aside) is my burnoose showing?

(Submitted by Andre )

Hmmmm...."peevish"...I like that word. Reminds me of the sound of lycra rubbing against hot sweaty twisting flesh.

(Submitted by Mrs Campbell )

Peter O'Toole...sigh...no finer name in showbusiness..

(Submitted by Mad Bloke )

Peter O'Tool, sigh, fine ?!?!!? Surely you can't be serious, how can you use these words in the same sentence - there mutually exclusive ! Peter, Oliver Reed, Richard Harris, to name but a few, may have been great in there early careers, but towards the end, they just became sad, old, drunks !

(Submitted by ;-) )

;-| ;-) ;-o ;-0 ;-@ ;-P ;-D ;-+

(Submitted by Abi )

Mad bloke - sorry I can't agree with you, Peter, Ollie, Richard - gorgeous blokes! Who cares if they enjoyed a drop - at least they are/were entertaining! (It's a female thing I guess!) Plus I think Mrs C's pun was on his name too.....

(Submitted by Abi )

Derek - can you go shopping PLEASE!! Don't you need any cat litter or something...you must be running out of white globes...

(Submitted by Richard Head )

Whats so funny about the name Peter ?

(Submitted by Terry )

Or a human skull...Halloween is RIGHT around the corner.

(Submitted by Terry )

Oh no Abi, a Dick Head has come between us...

(Submitted by Richard Head )

At least she'll have double the pleasure !

(Submitted by Dalliance )

On yer bike, Mad Bloke. Peter O'Toole was divine. Balmain Boy!! Yoohoo, over here, shimmying up this palm tree *sheepishly pulling down little skirt that has scooted up* Oh, I just love a good date.

(Submitted by in lieu of jane )

don't forget james bond's love interests plenty o'tool, pussy galore, holly goodhead, etc. i'm going to split the difference between the mad cow-eating bloke & abi; peter and dick did become a bit bulbous of nose later but the aged and sauced oliver reed played right into his career character development of an unpredictable psychopath. he had no grace to fall from, unlike the early nobility of the other two. let's not forget bill holden or rod steiger either.

(Submitted by spanky )

i always though a "date palm" was referencing my hand. you mean there's a tree too?

(Submitted by speaking of altitude lost )

did you know that metaphor for mega whore courtney love was on her way over to bang eddie vedder when her husband committed suicide? even if she'd ever shown remorse, which she hasn't, i'd still have a hard time forgiving her for her part in kurt's loss.

(Submitted by Mad Bloke )

Or, Daniella "no-nose" Westbrook ! Not that she had too far to fall, considering she was crap in the first place !

(Submitted by Spank the Monkey )

Banana ?

(Submitted by daniella )

look for me in "the rear enders" soon.

(Submitted by hanoi jane fonda )

barbarella was the pinnacle of my professional career. that and when i blew those north vietnamese privates.

(Submitted by speaking of jane fonda )

i was just wondering how suppositories got their name. i mean, since when is a suposit the opposite of a deposit? or is it because we don't suppose we'd like to take one that way.

(Submitted by Mad Bloke )

Rear end you, Daniella ? I won't even "front end" you" ! Talentless blonde shites don't do anything for me I'm afraid ! On the other hand Janey-babes can give me work out any time !

(Submitted by slut guppy )

the only thing approaching the number of nekkid daniella sites on the web is the number of men her bio puts between her well worn legs. is she screwing her way to the bottom? we need a receipt, derek.

(Submitted by Mad Bloke )

Anyone know if nose jobs are available at Wal*Mart ? Then again, why should she bother, its just given her another "hole" !!!

(Submitted by Tick Boy )

Y'know what you call a hooker with a runny nose? Full.

(Submitted by Tock Girl )

And then there was the one about the hooker with the glass eye .........

(Submitted by Abi )

Ah Tick - nice to see you're on form....where are the others? Dal, Lieu, Terry, Chiq??? It's all quiet.....

(Submitted by in lieu of captain hook )

what? she'd keep an eye out for us?

(Submitted by Terry )

I'm still looking for the lights in the North Church tower (lessee, that was one if by land, two if by sea, right???)

(Submitted by Spatula )

*waving my Aim N Flame around majestically* I demand a return to the In Jokes.....immediately!!!

(Submitted by susieonprozac )

I think Derek may have been arrested again

(Submitted by Dally )

Oh God, susie, you don't think he's been shoplifting again, do you? *wringing my hands* Derek!! Derek, we love you unconditionally. We are here for you. Just reach out your hand.

(Submitted by Dal - I just love that song )

Take me to the river, wash me in the water..

(Submitted by Dal at Work )

Who's Vic Rosa? They are filming something right here outside my office window in NYC. I saw his name on the trailer door. Is he anybody? Ohhh, cool...some body is playing some badass blues out there too.

(Submitted by italian sausage pizzaboy )

dal, wood you settle for vib rosa? (pronounced wif a heavy b and a rolling rrrr)

(Submitted by short stack )

you're burning down something dal, and it ain't the house of pancakes, although... hmmm... got any maple syrup?

(Submitted by why do they call them the blues? )

because of their gums?

(Submitted by Azrael Brown )

the Internet Movie DataBase (www.imdb.com) has a "Vic De La Rosa" as a director....could be?

(Submitted by susieonprozac )

What has blues to do with gums? Did I miss something there?

(Submitted by peter )

geez, i have never even been to a walmart.

(Submitted by BalmainBoy )

Look at the review of Vic Rosa's last epic: "DATE, by Vic de la Rosa. An evocative, unflinching documentary about the romance between two HIV positive men. De La Rosa uses what looks like home movie footage of a summer vacation for Gary and Jeff, working on farms to pay their way. Their utimate aim is the date palms of Biskra, evoked as a Shangri-La of rose petals, silk pantaloons and, of course, dates. How do they first broach the subject of their HIV status? [Where did that come in? - Ed.] How does it affect their views on life? And how does it affect their feelings about one another, and their mutual regard for dates? " There you go, Dally! Lean out the window and wave those palm fronds, they may want you as an extra!

(Submitted by Dalliance )

*throwing ashtray at WDTCTTB YOU!!! yes, I know who you are...now you march you ass right over here and bend over so I can take a switch to you, you are a BAD, BAD boy!!! And bring that bar of Dial with you too!

(Submitted by Dalliance - I'm ready for my close-up, Mr. DeMilo )

Hey Balmain Boy...cool! but an extra? To two gay men (not there is anything wrong with that) But, if I'm gonna shimmy my fronds or my palms, I want there to be some heterosexual home movie footage involved...*wink wink*

(Submitted by Tick B. DeMille )

Coming soon, to a theater near you..."Leaving Las Gaygas" the story of a homosexual man ready to travel at a moments notice, 'cause he's already got his sh*t packed.

(Submitted by Little Mothj )

Dal,Why are you wearing a mud flap? Supositories working

(Submitted by Mad Bloke )

I always thought it was us English that had an obsession with toilet humoUr !

(Submitted by Abi )

I'd like to state - for the record - that I'm English and do not have an obsession with toilet humour - I think it's something to do with being a bloke! You know, farting under the duvet is hilarious etc. etc.....

(Submitted by Mad Bloke )

.... not if you have had a curry the night before, you have to keep washing the sheets ! Know where I can find one of those "ladettes" then ?

(Submitted by Chiquita )

*DOOR SLAM! running in breathlessly* Here, I've brought BLOOD WORMS for everybody! *flinging blood worms in all directions* Whoops, sorry again lieu. I've got to work on my aim. *running out breathlessly... DOOR SLAM!*

(Submitted by Mad Bloke )

Why do I want blood worms for ? They are only good if you can eat, drink or shag them, apart from that there's not much good for anything else ! Perhaps you could trying holding a conversation with them, but that would have to be about football, cars and women !

(Submitted by Prozac Moment )

Bloke, you're a little uptight about the blood worms. Maybe susie can give you one of her prozacs.

(Submitted by Abi )

Chiq - this is sooooo exciting, I've been waiting for you to turn up - I found a NANNER in my handbag today - too spooky! Thanks for the blood worms, I'll feed them the nanner....anyone else about? Merlin - are you still hanging around in the mists...?

(Submitted by susieonprozac )

One massive dose of industrial strength Prozac coming up..... *fixing suppositary*

(Submitted by Genie Ology )

Abi... follow the trail... Steve ... Merlin ... Mad Bloke. I could tell you how the trail is followed, but a girl has to keep some secrets.

(Submitted by Chiq )

Abi-cakes! You found an unexplained nanner in your purse? Do you know that is a sign of immense good luck? You should go play the lottery or sumpthin'!!

(Submitted by Abi )

I thought something seemed familiar around here Genie, I'll follow that trail carefully...... Chiq - it's sitting on my desk keeping me company - I'm waiting for a sign, and then I'll rush out and do something wild and impetuous! I hope I get a revelation soon, it's going a little brown at the edges...

(Submitted by You, Out of the Gene Pool! )

No, Little Moth, it's to keep insect brains like you away from me *sweetest of smiles*

(Submitted by Dalliance )

Oh Abi, a lucky nanner, how wonderful for you!!!!! Big kiss for you and Chicqa! *kisskiss*

(Submitted by Terry )

All-RIGHT!!! Chicks kissing, and nanners!!! DEREK! FILM! NOW!

(Submitted by pete & repeat )

you've heard, i recon, the latest pick-up line at the gay bars? "excuse me but may i push that stool in for you?"

(Submitted by Little Terry )

Not that there's anything wrong with that...

(Submitted by Little & Big Terry )

No, we haven't...

(Submitted by Chiq )

Hey Terry, care to join us chicks/chiqs? Just make sure you bring your nanner with you (or ankle, as the case may be).

(Submitted by Terry )

Let me call my parole officer and see, or can he come too! I might get in trouble if I call him from work.

(Submitted by FOX )

You people are all very,very strange!!! I LOVE IT!!!!

(Submitted by Chiqca )

We love you, too, Fox! Are you crazy like one? Here, have a welcome blood worm!

(Submitted by dessert fox )

hi vivica. i've got your picture up in my bathroom along with an old pair of your shoes.

(Submitted by FOX )

So what happened to the amazing Derek, and his magic scanner? What no shopping since September? I love to peer into other peoples lives.

(Submitted by susieonprozac )

Hi Fox,yes,sadly no shopping since September, I think the men in white coats may have bundled up Derek and all his purchases into their van and taken him away. You can't go shopping when you're wearing a straight jacket I believe.

(Submitted by susieonprozac )

Whoahhhhhhh!!!!!!!!! the Idress has spoken for me ...

(Submitted by Bill Gates )

I can buy everything you've ever bought about a billion times over.

(Submitted by WAL*MART ASSOCIATE OF THE MONTH )

Your attention please shoppers! We have a red-light special on straight-jackets in aisle 43. Visa purchasers only please.

(Submitted by Andre )

What's wrong Dalliance? Why are you pouting your geothermal lips at me?

(Submitted by in lieu of explosives )

geothermal lips are just one of the end products of orogenous zones. through no fault of her own she might be venting due to regional overthrusting but by lubricating her slickensided superpositional plane into a natural arch maybe we can ease her restoration pallinspastically. or not. miocene the comming of the glorious dal...

(Submitted by it's gneiss to be loved )

i saw a beautiful example of Leaverite there by a rocky outcrop yesterday, so i did.

(Submitted by Abi )

Well Terry - where's Derek and the camera then *tapping foot impatiently* - I'm waiting with my nanner......

(Submitted by Copy Cat )

CONNUBIO PINOT 2.49 CHILEAN CAB/M 4.49 CHILEAN ROSE 3.99 MENDOZA RED 2.99 FIRE/M RIESLING 3.99 FIRE/M RIESLING 3.99 MULTIBUY BUY 6 SAVE 5% -1.10 JS PIZZA BASES 1.29 JS PIZZA BASES 1.29 JS PIZZA BASES 1.29 CLOSED MUSHROOMS 0.585 KG @ £2.32/KG 1.36 CLOSED MUSHROOMS 0.355 KG @ £2.32/KG 0.82 MIXED PEPPERS 1.29 TOMATOES 0.470 KG @ £1.08/KG 0.51 H/FAT MOZZARELLA 0.89 H/FAT MOZZARELLA 0.89 ENGLANDS CHOICE 2.22 CHIVES 1.29 JS TOTATO PUREE 0.24 JS TOTATO PUREE 0.24 PRINGLES S&O 1.38 PRINGLES C/ONI 1.38 A/EIGHT DARK 2.19 JS HALF FAT MILK 0.83 GOLDEN CHURN 0.89 CAMP COFFEE BOT 1.55 FIORETTO 2.49 DAILY MAIL 0.35 27 ITEMS PURCHASED BALANCE DUE 45.52 DEBIT CHARGE 45.42

(Submitted by Terry )

Derek. OH DEREK!!! Damn...I can never get anybody to come when I need them to.

(Submitted by Lowering Tone )

Tweaking the nipples usually works !

(Submitted by Rising Volume )

Theirs, or mine?

(Submitted by Quivering Bass )

Their's of course, but what you do in the privacy of your own bathroom is your business !

(Submitted by susieonprozac )

the Idress:122 says hi to us all.

(Submitted by Massive Midrange )

Not according to this website I just visited...

(Submitted by Fahrenheit 451 )

I'm gonna burn you all !

(Submitted by that was funny )

their's or mine, ha!

(Submitted by FOX )

Maybe Derek has glued himself to the cookie sheet and can't get lose. Should we call for help?

(Submitted by Terry )

I don't know about the COOKIE SHEET, or any of the other stuff, but that $.97 GLUE STIC must have run out by now...

(Submitted by FOX )

It depends on how big his stick is.

(Submitted by EVERYBODY )

Dal???

(Submitted by Terry )

Oooooo...Y'all are gonna get in trouble for that one...

(Submitted by FOX )

It was just an innocence comment. You can't buy the other kind of stick at Wal mart.

(Submitted by Dal )

Huh?

(Submitted by FOX )

What?

(Submitted by susieonprozac )

Are you related to Mulder, Fox ?

(Submitted by Dalliance (growing concern about the disappearance of Derek) )

Quivering Bass, are you any kin to the pre-cut carp?

(Submitted by Dal )

Derek, Honey, Cuppy Cake, could you just send me a little sign that you are okay? Look, I know that you are probably scoring with some Fargo Babe, buying her Snickers left and right at the Jiffy Mart, but, hey, can you come up for breath long enough to send me a squiggle? Please? Even a iggle would do.

(Submitted by Dallogistics )

Oh Baby, I bet you'd be oligoceneing my micocene, woodn't ya? But, might I not also be tight-lipped due to regional underthrusting of my already hyper-lubricated, pre- arched suprapositional (sorta like doggy-style) slicken- sided plane? (HA!! Didn't think of that one, did ya? Lava Boy? Hey Andre, *wiggling my bum at you* pout on this, baby.

(Submitted by Pick-up Girl (let me be your hood ornament) )

Terry, you called??? *comes running (not an easy feat..teeheehee)* Did you need me???

(Submitted by Dal )

HEYYYYYYYY!! I just got that "How Big is Derek's Stick, I know, let's ask Dally" slur. Very funny..hahaha. Sorry, but I never measure and tell.

(Submitted by Terry )

I couldn't believe that either sweetheart. Some people! Can I buy you a house sometime?

(Submitted by Not Dally )

One word: JUMBO GLUE

(Submitted by Dal )

oh Sweetheart, I don't need a house, a sleeping bag and you will be more than enough for me!

(Submitted by Terry )

...maybe some GLUE STIC's and COOKIE SHEETS then?

(Submitted by Little Terry )

Just for fun?

(Submitted by Pop-n-Flesh )

sure, babe, but we'll need butter, otherwise we'll never get our cookies seperated.

(Submitted by Tick boy )

I once dated a girl that had butter-face...Everything looked good, butter-face. (he he he)

(Submitted by Terry )

Hey Tick Boy, here's a GLUE STIC...have a seat...

(Submitted by Freud )

Nearly 2 weeks without a reciept. Is Derek teasing us?

(Submitted by Little Moth )

Why does the doctor smack newbourn babies on the butt?

(Submitted by shaped charge )

be careful, little moth. this butter be nice or i'm gonna rage on your machine in a manner most undesirable. why doth?

(Submitted by susieonprozacas opposed to Suzi inCal who might be on )

Derek!!!!! Get out of that straightjacket and get to Walmart, only 15 shopping days till Halloween.

(Submitted by hairy scar )

Deeeeeeerekkk.......you know you want meeeee....so nice and soft and hairy...come to waaaaalmart...........

(Submitted by prickly pare )

i'd shave my butt and walk backwards for halloween butt then everyone would know who i was.

(Submitted by large organ doner )

i was just thinking about my fav hairy scar and how you keep me in stitches.

(Submitted by laterally mobile )

going to "i am." join me?

(Submitted by Little Moth )

To knock the dicks off the dumb ones....

(Submitted by sommer )

i feel very priveledged to know that a cookie sheet was bought on my 23rd birthday...i hope you used it to bake me some peanut butter cookies that you somehow forgot to send...

(Submitted by cindylouwho )

I'm so glad that my TD29 got the validation it needed to feel better about itself.

(Submitted by NYCFASHIONGIRL )

INSTEAD OF EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH THEY GOT DEREK COSTUMER OF THE MONTH!

(Submitted by kinkychic )

This truly is the most warped site i have ever visited i can't say i've ever been to a wal mart though. I don't even think we have them in australia. but i wouldn't know i always shop at target. Repeat after me "Rosey is a beautiful ray of sunshine" now doesnt that make you feel better?